317: Lover's Lane (2000)

SPEAKER_03 0:04

The load was blown.

SPEAKER_00 0:06

It was premature.

SPEAKER_03 0:12

Greetings and salutations, and welcome to Hackerslash. If you're joining us again, welcome back. You know it's too bad all these pretty lights have to mean something bad happened. If this is your first time listening, welcome to the party. We are a horror movie review podcast dedicated to telling you whether a movie is a hack.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

A total joke? A waste of time.

SPEAKER_03 0:30

Or a slash. Totally killer, pun intended. We believe horror is for everyone, and as such, we're rating these movies with the perspectives we've gained from our varying walks of life and the flavors of fear we fancy most. My name is Chris, I'm your friendly neighborhood slasher enthusiast. This week I'm joined by the classic horror carnour Sean.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

I happen to be the best piece of ass in this town.

SPEAKER_03 0:51

And the paranormal paramour, Binx. You're just another big mouth of Olympic. Love is in the air, and this week we're checking out an independent film that puts Valentine's Day front and center and also features the debut of Anna Ferris. In the 1950s, an urban legend surrounding a mysterious hook-handed serial killer freshly escaped from a nearby institution captivated teens in the United States. While we've seen this story and other villains with hooks for hands in popular media, the urban legend is actually born from the danger of couples parking in secluded areas. Danger that, to date, has manifested in real-life brutal attacks and homicides spanning from as early as the 1920s to as recently as the mid-90s. This week's film is also inspired by that very urban legend, and it takes the danger of those secluded spots, one sought for vulnerable moments of stolen kisses and whispered promises, and puts them front and center. This week we're talking about Lover's Lane. Who's seen this one before?

SPEAKER_02 1:46

I most definitely have never seen this before, never even heard of it, had no idea that this was Anna Ferris' debut.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

Yeah, I knew absolutely nothing about this movie until a couple of days ago, to be honest with you.

SPEAKER_03 1:59

Well, that's so funny because you I think you were the one that found this when we were planning the content calendar.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

I think I did. I think I was looking up a list of things that would be related to Valentine's Day and Lover's Lane, the description it gave. It was like, hmm, okay, this could be interesting. And then I forgot about it, and then we go to watch this movie, and I'm like, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_02 2:21

So we have you to blame, I see. Okay. Slowly backing away.

SPEAKER_03 2:26

Listen, it was giving promise.

SPEAKER_01 2:28

It was.

SPEAKER_03 2:29

I'm a slasher enthusiast. It doesn't take much to get me excited. So you have on paper an urban legend with a hook for a hand, Anna Ferris making her film debut, and it's a holiday horror movie. It feels like a recipe for Chris Roha's success. However, I will say that although I've never heard about this, the promise of it, the idea of taking a riff off this Lover's Lane Urban Legend really had me excited for its potential. Partially because we've seen so many different movies, and several of which we've covered on the show, where we have a hook for a hand serial killer, right? We have He Knows You're Alone, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Urban Legend, Candyman, The Town That Dreaded Sundown. This had potential.

SPEAKER_02 3:11

Yeah, I agree. I thought it had potential because of course I was thinking of I Know What You Did Last Summer first, without a doubt. And I figured going into this that it would be a super low-budget film somehow, especially since I hadn't heard of it. And maybe that's not a fair assumption, but it's true. Definitely the cheesy vibes. But nonetheless, I thought entertaining. I went into this not really knowing the whole cast, just Anaferis. I really was expecting something that was gonna be quick, easy, entertaining, cheesy for sure, but a film that you can still get a laugh or two out of, even though it may not be like a work of art for the 2000s.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Yeah, for sure. I wasn't expecting this one to be good. I knew it was a low-budget film. And now that you mentioned that, Chris, yeah, I do remember stumbling upon, and I do remember reading that synopsis and just being like, okay, this looks compared to the other ones that we were looking at, this one looks like it does have the most potential. So I was hoping that it would be entertaining from at least a campy standpoint. You know what I mean? I feel like it gives a real campy vibe. So that's what I was really expecting. I wasn't expecting this to be phenomenal, but I was expecting this to be a campy fun time. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 4:28

Oh, absolutely. Knowing that this is a low budget independent horror movie really just gave me hopes that this would be a little charming, but mostly goofy with hopefully some great kills. And the real problem here, and Sean, I don't know if you feel the same way about this. When I think of Valentine's Day, I think of three things. I think of My Bloody Valentine, the original, My Bloody Valentine, the remake, and I think of the fucking terrible rom-com Valentine's Day, starring Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner. Yep. So there isn't much room on the board for Lover's Lane. And I should have known that me not knowing about this movie was a sign that maybe there wasn't much to know.

SPEAKER_01 5:07

Yeah, that's fair for sure.

SPEAKER_02 5:09

You hit it right there. That is exactly what I think with Valentine's Day is the movie and those two films. I was almost surprised that there was a Valentine's Day movie that we could do. I when we saw the schedule, I was like, oh, interesting. I've never even heard of this one. It could be great, but boy oh boy.

SPEAKER_03 5:28

Wow, I'm also really sad that I just had the erasure of the movie Valentine starring David Borianna's. Whoops, my bad. We also covered that movie in the past. No, wait, wait. You mean Angel? Yeah, I mean Angel. Despite its potential though, really settling in here. The biggest thing that this movie made me feel was being immediately sent back to the late 90s. Because there are people in this movie that look exactly like people my brother went to high school with. And I remember seeing this blonde haircut with the center part. I remember seeing this very vividly. We've got a bunch of characters who look like they could have been in any major 90s TV show. And then you also have the Jansport backpacks that were particularly nostalgic.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

That's true. It did give that vibe. It did have the 90s look for sure. We'll get into it later, but I felt like it was almost confused on if it wanted to be an 80s or a 90s slasher because it really gave a 90s vibe, but it was giving a lot more 80s in other ways as well.

SPEAKER_03 6:30

Yeah. It was the 13 years ago of it all.

SPEAKER_01 6:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:32

It kind of tried to give itself an excuse to do that.

SPEAKER_01 6:35

That's true. But I will tell you, I felt an extremely strong desire to turn this movie off. It took me a couple of nights to get through this. I played it and I was tired. I had to turn it off. I fell asleep. I revisited the next day, and I really had a hard time getting through it.

SPEAKER_02 6:52

I am cracking up. I wasn't ready for the several night attempts. Yeah. I want to say that there was promise going into it. Then there was even promise for me right when it started. So right off the bat, the opening scene reminded me of it follows a lot. And then unfortunately, the characters started speaking. And then I thought, well, this is starting to give a little bit knockoff deGrassy, and it was getting rough. But it's saving Grace was the shock of the cast. So we've got Disney Heart Throb, Riley Smith, from the famed decom Motocrossed. I was in love with him. Then we've got obviously Anna Ferris, as we've mentioned. But another personal favorite of mine is Sarah Lancaster. She is the sister in the show Chuck, which I absolutely love. So there were several people in here that I was like, oh shit, oh shit. What? You're in this movie? So I thought, okay, these people were talking, the dialogue's rough, but I know some of these actors, maybe that'll do great. And then no, I also struggled getting through this film. It was really tough.

SPEAKER_03 7:56

Yeah, this movie was filled with, I can't quite put my finger on it, but I know you from somewhere, besides Anna Ferris. Like she was the only one. I was like, yes, I absolutely know you, even though I haven't seen Scary Movie, which catapulted you to start them. I get it. But even aside from that, this movie, I described it starting out with potential, quickly got very boring for me. So, Sean, I too had to watch this over the span of a few days. And then I just played it back for good measure as I was preparing my notes. And I thought, you know what? Let me just give it a chance with cohesion. Because I do think that there's something that could be missed when you're not watching it continuously. And I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt. But what I discovered upon doing that, so watching it in pieces and then watching it all together, is that it still felt stiff. And while there were a couple funny moments, it was more along the lines of laughing at it instead of with it. I was honestly surprised how convoluted they tried to make what could have been an elegantly simple plot. It's so much so that a lot of it ends up feeling really clumsy. Again, independent film, it seems like a fun project, sure, but it lacks tongue-in-cheek camp that would make something of this caliber actually entertaining. And instead of just trips all over itself. At one point in the third act, there's a reveal and it feels like a clown car of what else is gonna come next.

SPEAKER_01 9:18

Yeah, it got murky for sure. The story convoluted is a good way to put that because it is, in essence, a very simple backdrop. It shouldn't be as crazy as it was, but it did get a little murky there. And I gotta say, I wish I could have laughed at this movie. It would have been even more entertaining if I could laugh at this movie, but it was more frustration than I think laughter for me. And you said it, Binks. I think the biggest surprising thing about this movie is the cast. Now, granted, this came out before a lot of movies that some of these actors or actresses were in, so this is probably like a starting point for a lot of these actors. You already said it, it's Anna Ferris's debut. So I'm sure that while we recognize these people after watching them in however many films, TV shows, or whatever, just coming back to this movie or coming to this movie for the first time and seeing this cast, you're a little bit surprised, and you're like, hey, okay, this is looking a little promising just seeing the cast, but I'm sure the cast is really trying to erase this from their list of accomplishments. I will say one that I was super surprised about, Jim Ross is in this movie. Jim Ross, a former WWE announcer, was in this movie in the background as some couple or something. I had to look it up, and he is listed in the cast. So there you have that.

SPEAKER_02 10:36

How random though.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

I know.

SPEAKER_02 10:38

Gosh, you guys put it so well. The surprise, yes, is the cast. The disappointment is how you could botch a simple plot, truthfully. 30 minutes in, I'm already severely disinterested, and I have almost like a permanent cringe face. There wasn't even enough comedy, self-awareness to establish that, oh, this isn't that great, but let's make some laughs, and even some of the jokes didn't even land. So I feel like the only way that I was able to survive this film and watching this one was by putting it in 2x playback speed. I literally powered through quite literally the last half of the film.

SPEAKER_01 11:17

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 11:18

So I listened to my podcasts and like my audiobooks at 2x because I'm nuts. Sure. But a movie at 2x, I didn't think it was possible until tonight.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

Yeah, I don't know if I could have I could have watched it in two time playback speed. I can see listening to podcasts and stuff like that. A lot of people do that. I get that. But watching it two times playback speed, I don't think I've ever tried to watch a movie like that before. So I don't know what that experience would be like, or if you can hear the audio perfectly or how that even works.

SPEAKER_02 11:47

Here's what I'll say. I think it helps when you have a safe assumption of what's going to happen. And with a film like this one, I didn't think it was gonna be scary. So there was nothing to me that gave the inclination that I needed to watch this at a normal speed so that I could feel any jump scares or anything. Because at that point, after 35 minutes in, I was like, I'm not impressed by this at all. And so far, nothing really has even happened. So any horror element to this that's gonna happen, it's not gonna be scary. So I can watch some mercs at a fast speed, and maybe it would even be more entertaining that way when you just start seeing blood flailing everywhere and just madness going around, you know?

SPEAKER_01 12:25

I guess that if you were able to see any of that, then yes, but even in regular speed, you're not seeing blood flailing around too much in this movie. And that's another thing here. This movie from a frightened sense, you're not scared at all throughout this movie. And this is a slasher. You should have at least some really good jump scares or some feeling of suspense and somebody like being stalked by a killer and things like that, but you really get not a whole lot of that. So if you're not going to be frightening, then you at least have to be campy, right? You at the very least you have to be campy if you're not going to be frightening. But this film was neither frightening nor campy. It was literally just cringy.

SPEAKER_03 13:05

The only thing frightening about this movie is the fact that it was greenlit and got the budget of $500,000. Yikes. And dared to make an independent slasher, and yet still made it so damn convoluted.

SPEAKER_02 13:18

What's also frightening is that, and thank God for it, but the Anna Ferris was successful after this. Thank goodness. But it is kind of scary how that was achieved.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

It is scary how that was achieved, but also she did get kind of stuck into this cliche kind of trope of being this dumb blonde in every movie that she's in.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

So maybe that's the scary part, you know?

SPEAKER_01 13:41

That's what you get from her in this movie, too. It just it's barely coming out, but it's coming out, you know. You could see that scary movie, Anaferris, you can see the Anaferris in Just Friends. Yeah. Right? Like you can see that. So I feel like it was there, and maybe they saw that potential and they're like, we want her in this role for all these movies.

SPEAKER_03 14:02

Yeah. You know, that may be the scary thing, but I think one of the other sad things about this movie is the fact that it's really just the five below version of every other Urban Legend slasher you've ever seen.

SPEAKER_02 14:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:13

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 14:14

I would dare say, not even Dollar General.

SPEAKER_03 14:16

It's the dollar spot, you know, it's just I genuinely was floored by that. And I only give it five below status because of Anna Ferris, I'll be quite frank. All right, touche. However, what is frustrating about this is that you can see where they made some attempts at taking an original twist on this, but it's so messy that they end up falling over themselves in every single effort that they make. It's unnecessarily complicated to the point where it's honestly a little difficult to follow.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

Here's the thing: I don't know that you can even give it credit for attempting to be original. This movie for me is so unoriginal that it lost track of its own identity along the way. I feel like when you're trying to be all these other movies, you're trying to be Scream, you're trying to be Halloween, you're trying to be I Know What You Did Last Summer, Nightmare in Elm Street, we said Candyman earlier, all at the same time. It's this whole mashup of trying to be all of these different movies compacted into one. The result is this movie that's kind of 80s, but not quite 90s slasher with absolutely no self-identity.

SPEAKER_03 15:28

You know what this movie is? This movie is so deep in the closet. This movie is so repressed, it's also circling right back around to being self-loathing and homophobic.

SPEAKER_01 15:38

On itself? Like, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_02 15:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 15:42

I feel like you tapped into like a very fucked up therapy session.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:46

I just closed my eyes and I just pictured a therapist vigorously writing this down in a notebook.

SPEAKER_03 15:53

It's a very real experience, and not to invalidate or minimize or throw shade at those who live through that experience because that is a very real painful thing that takes dare I say almost a lifetime to emotionally unpack and come back from. Sure. Which is why it's almost more infuriating that this movie feels like that.

SPEAKER_02 16:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:13

Because it does it like, how dare you? Yeah, I can see that. Yeah, this movie has no idea who it wants to be, but it had the audacity to try. I just want to make one comment where as I was watching it, I not only thought of it follows from the very beginning, but I think, Chris, you saw this. It reminded me of the new Pretty Little Liars show, the original Sin. Okay, but I actually love that show. I yeah, no, that's fine. That's the first thought that came to my mind. And when things actually started to unfold, I was like, wait a minute, I don't want to compare this to that.

SPEAKER_03 16:46

I think my problem is that I love it follows, and I love Pretty Little Liars and Original Sin so much that I don't want that scene in the same conversation. For sure. What this did remind me of was the opening scene of He Knows You're Alone, specifically because in that movie, it's not even a hook for a hand serial killer at all. But that movie opens with a movie playing in a theater. So the movie that's playing in the theater is an urban legend movie because they're just trying to insert some random slasher here before we kick off our slasher. So it does it in a smart and funny way, but this is so bad it's worse than the fake movie that existed for two seconds in that fucking movie.

SPEAKER_02 17:23

Yikes. You're absolutely right. We're like spitfiring a ton of films that this reminds us of, and that just goes to show you how unoriginal this is. I thought of another one. Really, it's a book, but then became a movie. Is Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark.

SPEAKER_01 17:36

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:37

This is also a little bit of that.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

There's a lot of things that this movie reminds us of, but the ending for me was pretty ridiculous. It did remind me a lot of maybe like a nightmare on Elm Street type of way to end the movie where you feel like, you know, it's over, but it's not kind of thing. And look, this ending is pretty ridiculous. It's honestly a little bit hilarious, if you ask me. It's definitely not the worst thing in the movie. The problem is, can you wait that long? Can you wait to get to the ending?

SPEAKER_03 18:08

Yeah, that's the real kicker because it's not so much the final moment, so much as it's the end leading up to the end end.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

Right.

SPEAKER_03 18:17

And that's the most frustrating part. I mentioned earlier that in the third act there's a clown car moment that is insufferable. It was just like, ah. Again, it hurts my heart because I love slashers. I love bad slashers. I have seen some ridiculous things that I don't hesitate to gravitate to. It's just like I immediately fall into it. But this was doing everything it could to just give me such a boring watch that even though I tried to fall in love with it, it still gave me every fucking red flag. I couldn't, in good faith, trust this movie.

SPEAKER_02 18:53

Well, I don't blame you because this movie has no privilege to gain your trust. That's for sure. And towards the end, I too got to a point where I thought, did this movie just gaslight me for having the audacity to watch it at 2X? Did it just throw it back in my face, perhaps? But we had a moment there right before we started recording where I needed clarification on a couple things because I almost felt insane trying to piece together some of the things that I had just watched. And what's worse is that, no, that that was true. That happened. These are the things that unfolded. And man, you'd think plot twists and that kind of stuff would be exciting. You mentioned Scream. We look forward to finding out who's who, who did what, whatever. That was not the payoff that I got at this ending whatsoever.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

It goes back to Chris saying that it was convoluted. That's the problem, is that Scream does this whole whodunit thing with the film, and it is fun. It works for that film. This film, I feel like maybe tried to carry that torch a little bit, but it got so convoluted and weird, and it just didn't work. It fell flat and no one really cared at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_03 20:02

Yeah, this only gave Scream so much as it gave Dead Mama trauma. That's about it. Obviously, we have some feelings about this movie that we're gonna get out very abundantly in the spoiler zone, but let's go ahead and start making our way towards our ratings. Sean, how would you describe the gore score?

SPEAKER_01 20:20

Well, seeing how almost every kill in this movie is off-screen, naturally we aren't gonna have too much gore. That's the problem. We do get kills in this movie, but we don't get to see a lot of the action right like front on, and so we're just not gonna see that much gore when a lot of stuff is happening off-screen and we're just seeing before and afters. And so even though we see a little bit of the carnage here and there, it's just little snippets, and even then it's mostly just blood. So this one is giving a pretty low gore score.

SPEAKER_02 20:54

And what about the animal report? Unfortunately, we are not safe on Lover's Lane as a pretty major casualty did occur.

SPEAKER_03 21:03

Well, let's go ahead and get into our ratings. Lover's Lane from 2000. Is it a hack or a slash? And let me actually just kick off the party here by getting this out of the way. Valentine's Day is coming up, so I want to liken this to a very real experience. The artwork for this movie is fucking sick. It's really cool looking. Not probably when it came out, but the artwork that I've seen as of late that went along with the Blu-ray release it got a few years ago. It really puts the hook for a hand at the forefront. And I was intrigued. This movie looked really good. Again, we have the urban legend description, we have a classic slasher motive here, we have great artwork. I really fell hook, line, and sinker, but this movie catfished me. It reminds me of the time that I got a notification from Hinge that a woman liked one of my photos, only to discover when I opened it that it was a literal clown who. Who liked me?

SPEAKER_02 22:01

I love that story. That one was incredible. I think you've told it on the podcast before, and like it's a Roman Empire moment.

SPEAKER_03 22:08

This movie is boring. It's a mess. And it's as much of a letdown as the holiday that surrounds it. And therefore it's a hack.

SPEAKER_02 22:16

Sheesh she dragged Valentine's Day to the mud. Look, I'm gonna start with a funny little bit. I think in the past I've done this thing where I say something during the spoiler free zone, and then all of a sudden I throw a curveball. And so could you imagine if I just did that again with this movie? That'd be hilarious, right?

SPEAKER_03 22:34

I dragged your ass.

SPEAKER_02 22:35

Yeah, I don't blame you, but rest assured to both of you and also our listeners, that is not gonna be the case tonight. This movie is without a doubt a hack. And for the multitude of things I've already shared and more, this movie was just a drag. Like I said, it was boring, it was tough to watch. It was so cringe and not in a good way, if there could be a good cringe, like a disgusting cringe. There are some themes here, some certain characters that say some dialogue. That you're gonna be questioning whether someone proofread or had a say in what was being told. It's a little disgusting. I simply just couldn't take it anymore. And like I mentioned earlier, I had to put it on that 2x playback speed, and I recognize that's almost blasphemous, but quite frankly, I had to do what had to be done. I had to watch this film, and I had to do it in any which way I could. There's terrible writing, terrible acting, and the payoff of the ending is just flat. To the point where I was like, what even happened here? And I didn't even really care, and it almost upset me that I didn't care. Let's just say this you should save yourself the trouble this Valentine's Day and literally watch anything fucking else. Anything. Literally watch a Christmas film on Valentine's Day if that's what you've got as an option. Don't watch this movie.

SPEAKER_03 23:56

I want to be clear that I've given four great options of movies to watch besides this movie on Valentine's Day.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

Yep. Watch those. Or watch this and suffer through it like the rest of us. That's a choice you can make.

SPEAKER_03 24:09

Nothing bonds a new fledgling romance like watching a shitty movie together.

SPEAKER_01 24:13

That's true. Depending on your motives, you probably want this movie on, so you don't have to pay attention to it. You know what I mean? So this might be the move.

SPEAKER_02 24:21

Sean, you're a genius. Oh shit.

SPEAKER_01 24:24

I don't know that I'm a genius, but I know that was a good idea. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 24:27

I really hope Ari didn't watch this with you.

SPEAKER_01 24:30

No, she did watch pieces of it, but she did not stay up for it. Both times I put it on. Which probably says something. If it doesn't captivate you while you're trying to sleep, man, I don't know. But this film, while it may have been released in 2000, it was made in 1999. And while the 90s to me, I think was a great decade for music. I don't consider it to be the best decade for horror. It is almost kind of a low point in horror, but minus a handful of films that I think came out of the 90s that were probably really good. And I think this movie imitated but did so very poorly with those movies. It imitated those movies, but it did so super poorly, and not the good kind of bad, right? This film really is coming out of the 90s, trying to find its place in the world, and it definitely has that vibe, but it's much more reminiscent of an 80s slasher and not the good kind of 80s slasher, and it just makes for a confusing watch, I think. And look, I knew this was going to be bad going into it, but I was really hoping, as I said earlier, it would turn out to be one of those movies that's so bad it's good. You know what I mean? Or at least entertaining. But sadly, it wasn't bad enough to even laugh at. It was much more cringe than that. And if you're not gonna be frightening, then you have to be campy, but this one just didn't deliver. Hell, it didn't even deliver on the goods that we want to get out of movies like this, right? This movie has what should be gruesome kills, it should have sex scenes, but you don't really get any really good kills on screen, and the sex scenes are so dark you can't see anything anyway. So it's really just lacking on the gore, the sex, and the action. And when you try to add up what this film did really well, there isn't much. And so this is the epitome of a hacker/slash hack because it is a total joke and it is a waste of time. It is a hundred percent a hack.

SPEAKER_03 26:36

And with that fiery passion, arguably more passionate than any of the loving in this Lover's Lane movie, Lover's Lane has earned a universal hack. Now you can find this movie online, I guess, or you can find it for free on YouTube, but maybe watch it at three times speed, and then just join us in the second half so we can drag it all together. We'll see you in a bit.

SPEAKER_02 27:03

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SPEAKER_03 28:21

Welcome back, folks. You're now entering the spoiler zone for Lover's Lane, which has earned an unsurprising universal hack. Now we have a lot to unpack here, but before we get into the specifics of our ratings, let's go through those kills.

SPEAKER_01 28:33

Yeah, so we have a solid 15 kills in this movie, but what does that even matter if you don't really even get to see most of them on screen?

SPEAKER_03 28:44

Yeah, it is a surprising padding of the body count, but I will admit that my favorite one you cannot see at all.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

Right, okay.

SPEAKER_03 28:53

And which is Pervy Cop Deputy David Twick, who dies when he looks out the fucking window. Now, his death was satisfying because he was such a disgusting fucking pig. And I don't mean pig like in the cop pig, I mean like he's a sexual predator and a deviant. I absolutely could not stand this man the more he looked at Chloe. But the commentary he was making in that diner, absolutely fucking disgusting. So to be able to hear his death more than we see it, to only get those few little blood drops on the floor, it was still satisfying for me because the sound design was great there.

SPEAKER_01 29:28

Here's the thing, it's a miss for me not being able to see a lot of the action on screen. And I get that there are probably off-screen kills because it's a low-budget film, but we couldn't get like a few good shots of the action. It just seems like a miss to me. Nothing really hooked you, you know what I mean? And no pun intended. But I do want to bring up one, I want to bring up the orderly guy, like the guy at the prison that died. And you don't get to see that one either. You see the aftermath, but it's just the whole prison food sucks written in blood on the wall. Because why? Like, why was that a thing? The dude really didn't like the food in there that much that he just felt inclined that afterwards he had to spend however many minutes it took to write that in the dude's blood on the wall before he left. It's like, okay, dude, we get it. I don't think there are many high-level chefs looking to cook in prisons, but we fucking get the point.

SPEAKER_03 30:24

You know who would do that shit? Art the clown.

SPEAKER_01 30:27

Art the clown would do that, for sure. And better.

SPEAKER_02 30:30

At least when art does it, you can get a kick out of it. On the other hand, we see that. Buddy, the poor guy. He's just trying to do the best he could. I mean the chef, obviously, of this place. And quite frankly, unfortunately, but also duh. What do you think you're gonna get? Fine cuisine dining here? That's not how this works either. Come on.

SPEAKER_01 30:50

That's what I'm saying. What do you expect to get in there? I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 30:54

Yeah. But I I gotta say, we can all agree on the fact that, yeah, unfortunately, even with the 15 kills, it's just nothing really fully sticks. You don't see so many of them. So it's hard for me to pick a favorite kill. There's so many of them that cross my mind, but then I remember, oh, but we didn't even see that one really, or even Chloe's. Turns out it wasn't even really real the first time. Maybe the gas station guy, but even then you kind of just see his hand flop. If you had to pick one, there's 15 of them, but good luck because you probably didn't see most of it.

SPEAKER_03 31:27

Can we also talk about Janelle's death though? Anna Ferris getting it in the most disgusting way.

SPEAKER_01 31:33

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:34

It was such a reach.

SPEAKER_01 31:37

Of course, this movie went there.

SPEAKER_03 31:39

And with her specifically.

SPEAKER_01 31:41

Yeah, that was a bad one. I guess Kathy's death was pretty gnarly if you think about it. Getting impaled by pitchforks and then posted up on the front of the barn door. That is an intense kill, but give me that kill. I want to see that action happening. That's my only thing with this, is just being able to see some of this stuff because all of these kills theoretically should be pretty gnarly. Like, even just getting killed by a hook should be pretty cool. Like that hook's going into flesh and it's gonna rip some flesh out. So I get it. $500,000 budget. You can't really show much of this, but I just wish because there's so many potential good kills in this movie, talking about the prison guard, Kathy, Chloe, all of these different ones, even Jack's death, right? We got a little bit of that, but not enough.

SPEAKER_02 32:32

But you bring up such a good point about the budget, though. I feel like with that kind of money, you could have done it though. You could have done it. We've seen films that with have less of a budget that maximize practical effects so that you can do something like that.

SPEAKER_03 32:48

I'd love to introduce you to the reason why they couldn't do something like that. And it is my favorite production element, which is the stupid fucking explosion in the third act of the movie. Wait a Michael Bayett.

SPEAKER_01 32:59

They used it all up in one scene.

SPEAKER_03 33:02

Yeah, I mentioned a few episodes ago about really like blowing your load. That's right. In one area.

SPEAKER_00 33:07

You sure did.

SPEAKER_03 33:08

And that's exactly what this is. The load was blown.

SPEAKER_00 33:13

It was premature.

SPEAKER_03 33:14

It was premature, but also way too fucking late. Because if we had gotten any of that budget spent or any kind of excitement, even 30 minutes earlier in the movie, you'd be less bored.

SPEAKER_01 33:26

True.

SPEAKER_03 33:27

But the problem is that this comes so late in the movie that you're already bored and dejected and disinterested, and you don't even want to be there anymore. You're just thinking about what you had to fucking do tomorrow. You're thinking about your grocery list, wondering if you left the fucking oven on, wondering how many loads of laundry you have left to do. You're thinking about anything but this movie, but it did at least look cool.

SPEAKER_02 33:48

So to be clear, on an objective perspective, if someone were the from the outside looking in, it looked cool. But the actual people, or rather, one of the people, would be like thinking about the grocery list.

SPEAKER_03 34:01

If we want to equate it to bad sex, if we want to go there for this metaphor, right? Now we're going, we're not already there. So now we're going there? Well, I mean, yes, yes, we are. This movie is not sexually compatible with itself, and that's really the crime here. And what this movie is, right? Binks, if we're gonna use the same metaphor or the same like line of thinking, this would be one person who's really bored thinking about groceries, one person who's just like taking fucking forever and just won't do whatever it is they gotta do, but at least they were hot. Ah. So in retrospect, in your memory, you're like, well, at least they looked good.

SPEAKER_02 34:36

I completely understand now. Now I've got it. The puzzle pieces fit in the last spot.

SPEAKER_03 34:42

Yeah, but even then, let that hot person have a flaw because how fucking stupid is that scene. Why would the killer, A, not ignite the match when opening the door, but then B, why would he care to close the door? He wouldn't. That was just a fucking flop. It was a goof, it was a mistake, and they kept it in. Because you know what? We already spent the money. Gotta get it somehow.

SPEAKER_02 35:04

Absolutely. It had to be done. And that would have taken a lot more attention to detail than this film could ever.

SPEAKER_01 35:10

Well, listen, at least you got that because there isn't much here to really admire because most of it was just pure trash. And I guess the only thing if I'm thinking about that I think visually in any way was entertaining for me, there was just a little snippet in the gas station on the counter, and it it was clearly the camel cigarettes logo, but they couldn't pay camel for that, so they had to cut off the L so it literally just says came, and I thought that was hilarious, and I spent the most amount of time in this movie laughing just about that, and it probably may have not even been intentional.

SPEAKER_03 35:51

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 35:52

I just thought it was funny, and that's what I'm pulling from this movie, and I'll always remember this movie just for that.

SPEAKER_02 35:58

God, what a film. Look, I don't know if I have anything pretty significant about the production. I mentioned the It Follows thing only because in the beginning and that opening scene when it's just like slowly creeping into the car, you're seeing them making out and that whole bit. I don't know, and it's kind of hazy outside. It's the ambiance that was set. It reminded me of it follows very much, but everything else was just kind of like there. I don't even think the typical things that I would love, like the score or the wardrobe or anything, were out of this world, truthfully. But you know what was out of this world, and really a favorite scene, if you can believe it, because I actually do have one, was the mom Penny bitch slapping that drunk ass girl for being disrespectful to her face. Yeah. That was an award-winning moment. That was great. Chef's kiss. She didn't give a single fuck, and good for her. I loved it. I loved it. All that she needed was a chancleta to really just have an extra sound buffer. Just an extra slappy sound.

SPEAKER_01 37:00

Dang. That was a good moment, and you that's what you gotta really try to do is find some good moments, some good scenes, because you're you're certainly not getting much of them from the kills, which is what you really want to see. But I think one of the funnier and more ridiculous moments in the film for me was when they were literally trying to fix Doug's broken leg or whatever, and Janelle had to flash this dude just to get him to shut the fuck up and sit still so they can snap his leg back in place. I thought that was just hilarious in that moment to me. And you know, if they keep doing stuff like that, it might have been a more entertaining film, but the rest of it just kind of sucked.

SPEAKER_03 37:41

See, my problem is that I think Anaferris was funny in that moment, but also those dudes were disgusting, and I didn't even like the commentary after it, and I couldn't bring myself to laugh at it, which is unfortunate. What I did laugh at though was the absolute absurdity of my favorite scene, which was the opening scene. Yeah. It starts out with a bit of promise. I talked about that, right? But you then have a guy struggling to get out of the car, yellow fucking button up, wide open, tidy whiteies, cannot bring himself to just pull up his fucking pants. Those pants would go up so easily. But you're just fumbling, you're just stumbling, you're just really struggling here. But also, what a shitty way to find out you're being cheated on. The layers here are honestly absurd. And it's every seed that gets planted in this opening scene from the original couple that we see making out all the way to the end when she leaves the Valentine's Day card for her mom. Yeah. It's just ridiculous and sets up the absolute tangled web of characters in this movie.

SPEAKER_01 38:49

Yeah, that's true. Okay, I got one kill, or at least scene of a kill, and it is Janelle's, but not the kill that we get because it is shitty. But when you think about the shots that we get leading up to that kill, that's not half bad, right? You think it's just you get the shot of the killer under the bed and Janelle sitting on the bed and just clueless, and the hook slowly coming up, and then you get the shitty kind of kill where you're getting mutilated from the nether regions. But it's the shots, it's the shots that you get of the killer under the bed and that whole thing. I thought that was kind of cool. Also, the moments leading up to that kill were kind of funny. Janelle roaming through the house all scared and grabbing three fucking knives, none of which get to her on the bed because she ends up with a fucking useless pillow. I don't know how that happened, but also what are you gonna do with three knives?

SPEAKER_03 39:40

You're absolutely right. The shots that lead up to her death aren't bad ones. And that's the issue that I take with this movie because there's so many moments where you have flashes of competence. And even with her death, I'm just thinking back to Chloe's confession that she was the one who killed her. I really feel bad for Janelle because she got a bad rap. She was just a nice person, new to the area, just got onto the cheerleading squad, didn't deserve what befell her. I think who did deserve it, who did have it coming, was every other fucking person in this movie. My god, this movie was unnecessarily complicated with its characters. Can we take a moment to just map this out?

SPEAKER_01 40:23

Yep, let's do it.

SPEAKER_03 40:24

Alright. So Tom was married to Harriet, who he found dead at a lover's lane. That's step one. She allegedly, uh by all appearances, cheated on him with the husband of Penny, who is Michael's mom. Harriet's co-worker, Jack, is a psychiatrist, and he's also Tom's half-brother. So he's obsessed with his sister-in-law, who's also his co-worker. Jack's patient is a guy named Ray, who ends up getting framed for this and then ends up busting out later. Jack is also Chloe's dad, so Jack has his own child in the mix at this point, which also makes Tom Chloe's uncle. So there's another layer there.

SPEAKER_02 41:06

Please pay attention to that part. I need listeners to keep that one in mind.

SPEAKER_03 41:10

Chloe is dating Michael, who's the son of the man Harriet was having an affair with in the beginning of this movie. So there's a real legacy theme going on here. Jack is obsessed with Mandy, who was a literal child in the beginning of this movie, because he was obsessed with Harriet, again, his sister-in-law and co-worker, because Mandy looks like Harriet. And of course, Jack and Chloe are the real killers. In addition to Ray, who also killed some people, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 41:40

Wow. That's quite the journey. Pretty well mapped out for sure.

SPEAKER_03 41:44

This is fucking ridiculous. Honestly, Brad, Doug, neither of them deserved this bullshit. And what might be even worse than how convoluted this cast is, is how much Chloe just fucking sucks.

SPEAKER_01 41:58

Yeah, she's terrible.

SPEAKER_03 41:59

I mentioned that Brad doesn't deserve this. He's literally pressured into sex with her, and she uses a homophobic slur against him. She's the real predator.

SPEAKER_01 42:08

She was the real predator in this film. That was a jarring moment, to be honest. I don't think anyone was really expecting that in this film, but yeah, she definitely was.

SPEAKER_02 42:18

That was honestly very disappointing because you could just have this hardcore, very different from everybody else type character, and she just happens to maybe just be a little bit of a bitch. But to take it that far was unnecessary. To say the comments that you make in that car with Bradley, ugh, nasty and disgusting. But let's take it a step back. I was thinking of the diner scene again and how she full-on straddles him in the middle of this restaurant.

SPEAKER_01 42:48

Yeah, that was a wild time.

SPEAKER_03 42:49

Yeah, this was disgusting. I mentioned earlier what a pervy cop Deputy David was.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 42:56

What is just as concerning to me is the fact that the deputy is saying all this disgusting stuff about how he wants to be Jack because he wants to be Chloe's daddy, because when he got her home, he could spank her. Oh god. Well, now we know that Jack's probably into it, so what the fuck. Right. However, what's equally concerning to me is that Tom laughs it off.

SPEAKER_01 43:16

Right.

SPEAKER_03 43:17

Tom, who by all appearances is supposed to seem like not a bad guy. He's the hero of the movie, or one of the movie's heroes at least. But he laughs it off and he thinks it's funny because what guys are just being guys? Because he's just a putz, because he's just talking out of his ass. And as long as the deputy agrees to actually watch Chloe do his job, then it's fine. No. People like Tom are the reason why Deputy David feels so comfortable being as disgusting as he is. That's again what prevents me from even liking this movie a little bit, because even if I want to laugh more at its dumb bullshit, I couldn't because then it does stupid shit like that. That is too real. And too serious.

SPEAKER_02 44:01

That was the moment where I was like, wait a second, let me go back to the drawing board here and see all of this red yarn connecting. He's talking, or rather, enabling that kind of talk about his niece.

SPEAKER_01 44:14

Essentially.

SPEAKER_02 44:15

Sure is. It's disgusting.

SPEAKER_01 44:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:18

And you overhear her, I'm sure, saying that she can get away with whatever because of him. It's nasty.

SPEAKER_01 44:25

We can continue talking about this shitty family because obviously Jack is a complete piece of shit. Like he brings shitty father to another level because Chloe maybe has her own motives or whatever, but we don't know that this wasn't all the result of him molding her into this kind of person. There's just something to be said, getting her involved with all this bullshit. But just talk about just him as a person. Who one, let's just start here. Who brings a Doberman to a parent teacher conference? You just walk in with your dog. That was just a weird moment, was it not? Randomly. It was just so strange. Nobody does that. But then he had the little trinket murder weapon hook in his what was it? His office, a classroom, or whatever.

SPEAKER_03 45:10

Okay, set up exactly like the fucking rose from Beauty and the Beast, mind you.

SPEAKER_01 45:15

It was. I noticed that, and that was also so why. Now it makes sense once you get to the end of the film, but it just in that moment it didn't make sense.

SPEAKER_02 45:25

But what do you mean? That it was in his classroom? Yes, that makes sense. But that it's in the style of Beauty and the Beast, why is he the beast?

SPEAKER_01 45:31

Well, he is essentially Yeah, I guess he is. The beast, but he holds this trophy for probably a number of reasons, right? He is obviously obsessed, which is why he made these killings in the beginning, and maybe he's also remembering that he got away with it and he framed somebody else for it and did all this shit. It's his little trophy, right? So it makes sense at the end of the film, it just seems a little bit odd. That's a good point.

SPEAKER_03 45:57

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme.

SPEAKER_02 46:00

I want to say one more thing about Tom, and then we can probably never talk about him again, hopefully. There is a moment where he quite literally thinks that it would be a stretch that this serial killer would be targeting his kids or their kids. And I'm just like, buddy, how is that so far from the imagination when it's not going so great for you? You know what I mean? Like it literally happened to your partners. They killed your partners, and you just instantly think that your kids would never fall victim to this guy because why would we? Why would he come back for that? You're an idiot. And then it was your own fucking niece and half-brother to boot, but whatever.

SPEAKER_03 46:41

I actually don't have that much of an issue with his skepticism because it's giving Halloween 2018. Does Lori think that Michael's after her, or was it just a chance encounter in the 70s and Michael doesn't give a fuck about her?

SPEAKER_02 46:55

The reason I bring this up is okay, fine. Maybe like the nitty-gritty of it, sure. What I find so insane is that you're supposed to be a sheriff or whatever, which I know maybe that doesn't really mean much either way. But I would hope that you have some level of intelligence. And quite frankly, to me, it's like care for your child. Because to me, I think of any serial killer going on, whether they targeted me in the past or not, I would be worried about my kids losing it or dying or falling victim to this guy. And that's the part that gets me. Because Penny, like any concerned parent, would instantly think my kids need to stay home, like have to be careful. I'm scared, he's gonna come for us. You know what I mean? Because of course you've got that trauma already. But Tom is making her feel like she's crazy for even being concerned to some extent. And that's my problem.

SPEAKER_01 47:45

I see your point. It's a possibility. Right. It's a possibility, and as someone who is a cop essentially should be thinking of all possibilities here. Right. So I see both sides. I see the fact that this could have been considered just a random murder, the stars aligned, this person was out to kill any couple that could have been there. But then there's also this possibility that you can't deny because this specific two people did get killed, and these people were involved in that, whatever. So I get both sides to that, but I want to talk about Penny because that was the worst fucking wig I've seen in a long time. Bro! It was wigging. I saw it, I couldn't stop looking at it. It's like when somebody had a giant mole on their face, it's just so hard not to look at.

SPEAKER_03 48:28

Wiggiest wig.

SPEAKER_01 48:30

For sure, wiggiest wig. So far, it's a top contender.

SPEAKER_03 48:34

It's almost falling off at any moment now. It's so bad. Why was she doing that?

SPEAKER_01 48:39

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 48:39

Now I want to know what her actual hair is.

SPEAKER_01 48:42

It was horrendous.

SPEAKER_03 48:43

I need you to know that this movie already has so many nominations for end-of-year categories. I'm really excited about it. Nice.

SPEAKER_02 48:53

Since we're talking about Penny also, I just want to quickly highlight that I do appreciate her relationship with her son, which is another reason why I went on that little rant. Because I kind of liked their dynamic right from the jump. He got in trouble, and she makes a comment about how, oh, should she talk to a guy? You know, like acknowledging that maybe he needs more of like a male role model or a male perspective to things, and Michael being like, no, validating her that she is enough, then even when she's like, you're grounded, and he's not upset and caught causing a whole tantrum, like he understands, he says he loves her. And sure, does he run off and leave the house afterwards in that whole bit? Yes, because yeah, that's the reality, and he's a kid and he's gonna do whatever. But I was like, that's kind of sweet that we see a different kind of dynamic between a son and their mom, especially when the mom is a widow, where it's positive, where he's affirming, where he's not causing a tantrum when she has to discipline him. That was really nice. And it kind of interaction does not belong in this shitty ass movie, but it was appreciated.

SPEAKER_03 49:57

Would you say that's the best part of the movie for you?

SPEAKER_02 50:00

Yes, actually, I would. And and maybe more specifically, I would just say Penny in the not the wig, but I thought her character was just slightly interesting because of it. I don't want to gas this movie up at all, but her specifically in just those bits and pieces was great.

SPEAKER_03 50:17

Yeah, I get that. Penny was a bright spot. I think the brightest spot in this movie is Anna Ferris and her charm as Janelle. She didn't deserve to go the way she did. I feel bad that she got mixed up with this completely ridiculous crowd and group of humans. Too bad she couldn't make it out. But I think another moment that was a bright spot for me, and Bing Chu mentioned it earlier, it was the bowling alley scene where Penny absolutely bitch slaps this girl. But it wasn't the bitch slap for me. For me, it was the relatable moment of this kid being absolutely embarrassed by his really drunk girlfriend. Because wow, if that hasn't been me so many times.

SPEAKER_02 50:56

Oh no. We've been there. I like also where he's just trying to push her off a little bit and maybe in some ways, you know, she got what was coming for saying some out-of-pocket stuff and doing some out-of-pocket things.

SPEAKER_01 51:09

Yeah. It's hard. I think honestly, the best part of this movie is just reading the synopsis, because that's all you really need to get out of the film. You don't have to go further, because the synopsis was enticing, and then you watched the film and it wasn't. So the best part is just the breakdown of the plot in one sentence.

SPEAKER_02 51:28

You're absolutely right. That's great. It's necessary that you specified it because when you get to the detailed summary and like plot of this film on Wikipedia, you're gonna end up being super confused, just as much as we were. So just read the like brief one sentence and leave it at that for your own benefit.

SPEAKER_03 51:47

Better yet, take the sentence, hold that in your heart of what you want the movie to be. Then take the entire plot from Wikipedia, put it into Chat GPT, and ask it to improve it and make a decent movie out of it, and maybe you'll be better off. Maybe I would watch that movie before I would ever watch this again. Because quite frankly, when faced with the thought of ever revisiting this, aside from the two times now I've already done it just to get through it, I just simply say no.

SPEAKER_02 52:16

There's no way. You'd have to pay me a great amount of money to see this in normal speed. You'd have to probably pay me a little bit less money to watch it again in 2x. When you said that this movie was reissued on Blu-ray, I was stunned. There's also a reason why we couldn't really find this movie anywhere on major streaming platforms, or at least I didn't. So, you know, take that information and do with it what you will.

SPEAKER_01 52:43

Yeah, I don't see the need to revisit this movie ever again. It really just wasn't good. I can't stress it enough. It's not even a movie that is so bad that I want to share it with others so they can experience how bad it was, because I truly just don't want anybody to have to watch or waste an hour and a half of their time watching this movie. You can go an in an entire lifetime without even knowing this movie existed, and you will be better off for it. Even if there was a sequel, I wouldn't watch this one again going into that one. And I hope there's not a sequel. Wait, is there a sequel? No. I hope not. There's no way.

SPEAKER_02 53:25

I love how like passionate we are about this hack, and I love that our first universal hack is our Valentine's episode for this year. But I have to say, a thought that comes to mind is like, I don't think we've talked this passionately about hating a movie since the mean one. Shit.

SPEAKER_03 53:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:42

Oh, maybe.

SPEAKER_02 53:43

I mean, we only had four universal hacks last year, I think. Holy shit. The math there. And none of those four universal hacks to me, I think, were passionate. I mean, I don't even remember them.

SPEAKER_03 53:57

Well, it's a long year ahead. Let's see what other bullshit we can dig up in 2024. But for now, there you have it, folks. Lover's Lane from 2000 has earned a universal hack. We certainly had a robust discussion here talking all this shit, but it doesn't end here by any means.

SPEAKER_02 54:13

We want to know what you think. Would you survive Lover's Lane? Let us know. You can join in on the conversation by hanging out with us for free in our Discord. Click the link in our show notes to sign up.

SPEAKER_01 54:23

And if you've enjoyed listening to us rip this movie apart, consider becoming one of our patrons. Visit patreon.com slash hackerslash to enjoy more of the show with early access, extended episodes, bonus content, and live shows.

SPEAKER_03 54:36

We'll see you next time, folks. And remember, prison food sucks.

SPEAKER_01 54:40

Yeah. Anyway, thanks for the ride.