357: Planet Terror (2007)

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The Handyman Can.

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Can you survive her tool belt?

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Ookie seeds Ingreetings and Salutations, and welcome to Hackerslash. If you're joining us again, welcome back. You gonna look or you gonna eat? If this is your first time listening, welcome to the party. We are a horror movie review podcast dedicated to telling you whether a movie is a hack, a total joke, a waste of time, or a slash.

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Totally kill it, pun intended.

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We believe horror is for everyone, and as such, we're rating these movies with the perspective we've gained from our varying walks of life and the flavors of fear we fancy most. My name is Chris, I'm your friendly neighborhood slasher enthusiast. This week I'm joined by the Superfly Space Guy Mac.

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Now that's a rump roast.

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And the classic horror connoisseur, Sean.

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They're balls, sweetheart.

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This week we're checking out one half of the Grindhouse Double Feature by Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Taratino.

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And if you're a patron or Apple Podcast subscriber, you'll also get to hear our B-side at the end of this episode where we talk about all the different variations of ridiculous ways people have tried to weaponize their limbs in cinema. And the good news is our B-sides are free sides all spooky season long, so be sure to tune in throughout the month of October.

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In 2007, theater audiences were treated to a Rodriguez and Tarantino presentation of back-to-back films, which were packaged as a double feature with fictitious movie trailers and commercials. The story for Rodriguez's film started back in 1998 when he was working on the faculty. He told his cast then that zombie films were about to make a huge comeback and wanted to get ahead of the trend by making his own. He wrote the first 30 pages of a script, but eventually set it aside as other projects came his way. By the time the zombie craze hit, Rodriguez had already predicted it, but his film wouldn't materialize until years later. He took inspiration from classic zombie flicks like Nightmare City and gave it his own grindhouse twist, creating a bloody, action-packed ride that pays homage to the low budget horror films of the 70s and 80s. The film tells the story of a bioweapon gone wrong as it unleashes a deadly toxin that turns people into vicious zombie-like creatures. As the infection spreads rapidly, a ragtag group of survivors, including a go-go dancer, a mechanic, and a mysterious doctor, are forced to team up to stop both the rampaging infected and those responsible for releasing the virus. This week we're talking about Planet Terror. Who's seen this one before?

SPEAKER_02 2:36

Yeah, I don't know. This one is one of those movies that I watched when it came out, along with Deathproof, right? Quentin Tarantino's effort in this grindhouse double feature of sorts, and I have yet to revisit this movie since I saw it in 2007. And I remember that it did come out as a double feature in theaters, because what I remember is people were actually leaving after watching this one not knowing, even though it was advertised as a double feature and they had the little fake trailers in between. But I distinctly remember this being a huge thing.

SPEAKER_01 3:11

Well, I guess some of these people really were deathproof.

SPEAKER_05 3:14

Oh my. I actually remember this more than Deathproof. I don't think I watched it as a double feature. I think I watched it later, and that was either when it was on TV or when it was on DVD or something like that. But I've definitely seen it probably twice so far.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

I remember watching this and Deathproof on their double feature DVD, but I certainly did not watch it in theaters. And actually what's interesting, and when I was a little hesitant about going into this, is I certainly have not seen this movie post Me Too Reckoning. There's a lot of density here. And if you followed Rose McGowan and her story and the trial of Harvey Weinstein, you'll know that there's a lot that she says about this film, its production, and Robert Rodriguez's intentions. And we're not gonna dive into a lot of that here, but I will tell you that we do have a link in the show notes in case you want to read up on that on your own. But that made me very curious to see how I would feel about this movie going into it again. I remember it being absurd, campy, of course, that gritty grindhouse feel. And I remember liking this more than deathproof. So I expected to go into it having a good time, but wondering if any of the things that you hear about this film and learn all these years later alter your opinion of it looking back.

SPEAKER_05 4:39

Bringing this back up, what I expected was quite simply a 15-year-old boy's fever dream.

SPEAKER_02 4:45

For sure. It's a lot of ridiculous, campy, action-packed nonsense and absurdity and gore for sure, but I feel like this movie for me was trying too hard. That's what it felt like for me. I I know it was trying to recreate this old school grindhouse look and feel. I just think that it ended up feeling like a nearly two-hour long Rob Zombie music video. That's what it felt like for me. And not in a good way, because I'm not trying to hate on Rob Zombie or his music videos because I like Rob Zombie and I enjoy his music videos, but I don't want a feature-length film with that same feeling. Like it's a little bit too long, especially without the music to go along with it.

SPEAKER_01 5:28

Wow. I don't know what's in the air tonight. I don't know if it's a full moon. I don't know if it's a freaky Friday, but something's going on with Sean and I tonight. I don't know how I feel about this. I didn't get that feeling at all. I was actually entertained the whole way through. Granted, I just talked about moments ago. I haven't seen this movie post Me Too Reckoning. I do have some things to say about that, especially as we get into the spoiler zone. But in large, this movie was really fucking funny. And I forgot how much the editing helps lift the comedic value in this movie.

SPEAKER_05 6:06

It really does. And it really shows some moments that were done so deliberately. There was a lot of intention thought to how things were suddenly cut or not. But I think while watching this, I mostly just felt slimy in every sense of the word. It's so gross, it's so gory, the gore that you get is disgusting as well. And then the characters are incredibly slimy in the less literal sense. The entire time we're watching this, it feels like you've been working on old cars and you have oil all over your clothes.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

It definitely has all of that. It has the gross slimy feel, it's gory. There are funny moments, it's fun, it's strange, but it just felt like it was so over the top and so on the nose that it even catapulted itself above some of my favorite grindhouse films. But I will tell you what surprised me in this movie, and because I hadn't seen it since 2007, it's the cast. The cast in this movie was wild. Rose McGowan, Josh Brolin, Marley Shelton, Jeff Fahy, fucking Naveen Andrews, otherwise known as Saeed from Lost. That's my boy right there. Fucking Fergie's in this, Bruce Willis. What the fuck is happening in this movie?

SPEAKER_01 7:27

It truly was the Fergie of it all for me. There's a lot in this movie that I completely forgot about because I think he gets overpowered by Rose McGowan and how badass she is in this entire thing. But I forgot that Robert Rodriguez's son is actually in this movie. I forgot the direction that some of these characters take. I was completely, I think, lost on the subtext of Marley Shelton's character and what that actually meant. There's a lot in here that watching this for a second time all these years later, I can appreciate it as an older woman. And I can also hate a lot of it too, just to be clear.

SPEAKER_05 8:08

That's true. I think the cast was probably the most pleasant surprise of this film for sure, because these are roles that you wouldn't always imagine these actors taking like these days. I can't imagine who in this film would be like, Yeah, I'm down to make it. You're seeing people Bruce Willie in this film. Wow. Yeah. It was like, holy cow, I forgot that they were able to secure that.

SPEAKER_02 8:29

Yeah. Well, that's the thing. What this movie does is it plays into this gimmick that a lot of older films did back in the day. And that was get some big build star that they can slap on the movie poster that's only in the movie for like a minute and a half in total screen time or whatever it is, and they're shot completely separate. You don't ever even see them together with anyone else in the same shots, and that's what they did for the most part with Bruce Willis, right? Like he has minimal parts, and you could tell he was mostly probably filmed by himself, and they just slapped him on there. But that was intentional, not in the same way that other movies tried to do it, but intentional in the same way that they wanted to depict how the other movies did it, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_05 9:16

It does. I think it's just always surprising when you see big names and things you don't expect them to be in, you know. And I guess it is on purpose, so that it has an impact. Seeing Javier Bardem and Chloe Savigny in the Monsters TV show fairly recently is insane. I thought they're huge, right? And so, like, I didn't imagine them going into a project like this. Not that it's small, but there's a lot of big names in this movie that are in very similar spots where it's like it wasn't just like the one they had just gotten Bruce Willis. Okay, maybe he wanted to buy a new sweater or something. Yeah, but no, they kept kind of punching above their weight with the casting choices here, and the acting was, oh my gosh, so hammy that it was almost too good for a B movie.

SPEAKER_02 10:01

No, too hammy for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I think aside from the cast, which we all agree great, we love it, it's surprising. There's some great moments with all of them, but I feel like despite the solid cast, and it sounds like it might end up tonight just being a me thing, uh, just disappointed with the attempt to pay homage to the old grindhouse horror films of the 70s and the early 80s. I don't know if it was trying to make a grindhouse film to pay tribute to the genre or if it was supposed to be some parody, or maybe it was both. I don't know. It just wasn't my favorite.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

I think maybe where I diverge is that I'm wasn't a huge fan of grindhouse movies anyway. So maybe that's why it doesn't sting for me. There are some things that I'm disappointed in, namely Quentin Tarantino's place in this film. This is a movie, and really in both of these movies, both this and Deathproof, that you see so many cameos or Easter eggs, but his entire existence in this film I could heavily do without. And also just a whole lot of ball talk, you know? We see him too much, we hear him too much. I'm a fan of a joke every once in a while, but that's where it goes back to how Mac described this movie as being a 15-year-old's fever dream. And it's just again, there's so much in this movie that I find really entertaining and really valuable. And then there's shit like that where I'm like, okay, it's funny. It was funny the first time. It stopped being funny after that immediately. It's kind of like, all right, can we just keep going?

SPEAKER_05 11:41

Yeah, I think this is one of those things where back in the early 2000s we really didn't know as much as we know now. And many of us, of course, were much younger and hadn't been exposed to a lot of stuff. So I think when you try to watch this 17, 18 years later, it feels gross when you're listening to some of the jokes and seeing some of the scenes. It's different. You definitely feel like you said, like try hard. You feel like somebody here is a poser. But I think at no point did this really come across as a horror movie to me. I think it's set obviously as a horror movie. It's got all the parts that make one, but it's not scary. It's not making me sweat at all.

SPEAKER_01 12:20

I see it's a horror movie, but it's not the kind that would ever set out with the agenda to scare you. Think about Return of the Living Dead. That's what this movie I think is almost most comparable to. Or thinking about those old school sci-fi horror films like The Blob. You have people going about their business in a small town, and then all of a sudden shit goes down, and we can't explain it, and now we just have to survive. There's a lot in here that I think really screams horror movie, but it's certainly not scary. That wasn't the plan, that wasn't the intent. What it is is absolutely fucking disgusting, and it will gross you out. I would be shocked if there wasn't at least one thing in here that made you go, ooh.

SPEAKER_02 13:06

Yeah. Oh, that's true. But I think that's also the point in most zombie movies, even if you're not doing what this movie did. Because zombie movies, to me, there's gonna be a lot less of the regular scary type stuff, and you're just going really for horrific visuals because you're watching dead people eat other people alive, you know?

SPEAKER_01 13:27

Yes, but even then, think about how much tension exists in almost every zombie film. In almost every zombie film, you have a person or persons that you're like, oh shit, I really hope this person doesn't get it, or this person can make it out of this. In this movie, I don't know that you really care. You have your main characters, of course, and yes, are we rooting that for them? Sure. But there isn't going to be something that's hugely emotionally devastating if they don't make it out of it.

SPEAKER_05 13:55

That's true. I think in traditional zombie movie fashion, they actually give you plenty of reasons to hope that certain people do get eaten and make them seem like bigger douchebags. So by the end of the film, there's only a couple people that you actually would not want to get eaten. Everyone else, you're like, not only am I not bothered by it, but like, make it happen, Captain.

unknown 14:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:16

He said, Go on now and get the fuck out of this film by dying.

SPEAKER_05 14:20

Go ahead and cook.

SPEAKER_02 14:21

There are a couple of sudden moments where some zombies pop out and maybe try to take a bite. There's a ton of action in this movie. This movie is action fucking packed with pus-filled zombies. Yeah, scary's not the word that comes to mind. Gross before it can possibly be scary for sure.

SPEAKER_05 14:43

Gross is 100% one of its largest components here. And I think in terms of all the other components to this film, they obviously are going to be an original because it's playing around in a genre, in multiple genres, honestly, but it stands alone as an homage film. It's something where when you've seen it, you've seen it, and you know that you've seen it, and it has a certain feel, good or bad, it is very unique in what it does.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

Can I tell you the two things that I think are almost the most unique from Robert Rodriguez's filmography?

SPEAKER_02 15:14

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 15:14

This man also did The Faculty, and he also did Spy Kids.

SPEAKER_02 15:19

Oh, the man. Really Spy Kids, I forgot.

SPEAKER_01 15:22

Let's take that in. Let's really just acknowledge this for what it is. Because this movie feels like Robert Rodriguez. Listen, it's an homage. We know that this is gonna feel like other movies, but this is soaked in the essence of Robert Rodriguez. Of course it is, he's a director, but I felt Mariachi. I felt Desperado. I felt from Dust Till Dawn. All those things that came before this, I didn't feel the faculty minus like the gross gore and stuff like that. But specifically those films really, really stood out to me as like a hot and sweaty movie. It's giving western, even though this isn't there's nothing western in this movie.

SPEAKER_02 16:05

Yeah, it has the western vibe to it. It a hundred percent does. It has its own story as it's paying homage to all these things, and you're getting all these different feelings. It's not an unfamiliar formula, the way that the film overall progresses, but the zombie aspect for sure reminds me of Dawn of the Dead 100%. I get that from this movie. I feel like the story itself is pretty interesting, as absurd and strange as it gets, and I can see all of the different nods and references. I do think it felt yeah, I would say it felt original enough to keep you interested. It is one that stands out to where, like you said, Mac, you when you've seen it, you know you've seen it and it is its own thing.

SPEAKER_05 16:49

I have a very distinct memory of seeing this film. I did not remember the ending of it whatsoever. I had no idea how it ended, because honestly, it almost doesn't matter because really it's about the journey. It's about the ride that you're on. But now that I have seen it recently and can remember it, yeah, it's good. It's fun. It's as an ending, not horrible.

SPEAKER_01 17:08

It's not, but it's also really interesting to consider this ending symbolically to Rose McGowan's journey now.

SPEAKER_02 17:15

It does hit different.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

It was satisfying, it was goofy, it was satisfying. I'm not mad at all. I like a little subtext of some of the characters that we get here in the ending, but I would say that the imagery I love. There is a component of it though that really just kind of grossed me the fuck out when a certain thing was said and then it reveals how that ties into the ending. It's super nasty.

SPEAKER_02 17:39

Oh yeah. For sure. Oh, terrible. I mean, yeah, this ending is just as ridiculous as the rest of the film, I would say. It's not a bad ending. It just if you're watching the film, this is kind of what you expect to probably land on at some point. It doesn't make it bad, but it is over the top, and there are some fun parts to this ending. I had a fairly decent time watching it through. I think you get some kind of resolution at the end, and then there's the post-credit scene that makes you feel maybe, I don't know, a little bit better about something that happened in the movie, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

Well, it sounds like thus far we have some mixed signals and mixed feelings about this film, but before we get to our ratings, Sean, how would you describe the gore score?

SPEAKER_02 18:21

Well, this movie is nothing else if not an action-packed gore fest. I mean, there is so much for all you gore lovers out there. We have zombies literally ripping people apart and eating them alive. Every bite is shown in some of these moments. We have eye impalements, head explosions, we got limbs being ripped off, gory, rotting, pus-filled zombie infections, and not to mention the testicular manslaughter. There is a ton. So this is one that is easily getting a severe level of gore.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

I love that you describe it as testicular manslaughter and not just neutering.

SPEAKER_02 19:03

Yeah, it just felt right.

SPEAKER_01 19:05

Let's speak you neutering. What about the animal report?

SPEAKER_05 19:08

Oh, it's real bad. Animals are not safe in this film, and it's gonna make you wince, I promise you.

SPEAKER_01 19:13

Oh, it was terrible. But let's go ahead and get into these ratings. Planet Terror in 2007. One half of the Grindhouse double feature. Was it a hack or a slash?

SPEAKER_05 19:23

Well, I will say it is totally killer, pun intended. Sure, it's a disgusting, testosterone-fueled gore fest fit for sweaty teenage viewers of the late 2000s. But the cast is fantastic. The acting is so hammy, deliberately hammy, that I needed some mashed potatoes to go with it. The gore is an on-point love letter to Tom Savini, who also stars in the film, which is just insane. Everything about it feels so ridiculous. It feels like the definition of the phrase guys will see this and think, hell yeah. So for pure entertainment value alone, it's a slash.

SPEAKER_02 20:00

This is a tough one because I feel like this movie has some really good elements to it. And I know that the wide mass of people out there, primarily you're gonna talk to them and they're gonna like this movie. If they've seen it, a lot of people rave about this movie. They really have a good time with this movie. I think I told Chris as I was putting this on, I was like, I haven't watched this in a long time. I don't remember really enjoying this one that much. That was like in the back of my head as I was going into this. And I enjoyed the overall storyline for the most part. It was strange, but I can get into strange, you know what I mean? It it has this look to it that reminds you of some of your favorite horror movies, especially if you love that grindhouse 1970s type of horror flick. I'm thinking of Dawn of the Dead, which I mentioned earlier. I'm thinking of Black Cula even, but the problem is that those movies, to me, did it better. So, yes, this has a similar vibe and overall aesthetic to it from those grindhouse days, but the acting doesn't feel right for me as great as the cast is. There's certain moments that I think they were trying too hard. The comedy sometimes is good, and then sometimes it didn't really hit for me. I think there is a lot to enjoy visually about this movie, and it was clever to pair it up with Quentin Tarantino to create this sort of drive-in double feature styled pair of films. And I know we're not reviewing Deathproof or anything like that, and and I don't know if that's something that you maybe want to pair together one day, who knows? But regardless, there is a lot to enjoy visually about this movie. But unfortunately, for me, the plot mechanics and the characters do not shine through the script for me. Like there's something that just doesn't connect for me. And I'm not super picky with horror movies most of the time, unless it comes to classics. And I think of Grindhouse Horror as I think of movies like Cannibal Holocaust or I Spit on Your Grave or Zombie or even The Last House on the Left. Hell, I would even say Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but Planet Terror was not it for me. The original title for this film was Project Terror, which is fitting because this was unfortunately a terror on Planet Hack for me.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

I really thought you were gonna say Project Terrible. Well, listen, there's a lot in this movie that's bad. There's a lot in this movie that's great. There's also a lot in this movie that's gross. There's a lot in this movie that's in poor taste. There is so much in this movie that I feel fucking yucky about in retrospect. It's campy though, and that almost starts to redeem it. Rose McGowan is a force to be reckoned with, and her performance in this movie really stabilizes it. This movie I mentioned is campy, it's filthy, it's sleazy, but above all else, it still manages to be fun. And that is a very surprising thing for me because I don't typically enjoy this type of thing. And I take umbrage with the elements of this film because of factors outside the film itself. I can absolutely acknowledge that, but looking at this holistically as a piece of media, it's one fucking hell of a ride. And it's a slash. And with that, Planet Terror from 2007 has earned one hack and two slashes. Now, if you've already seen this one before, please let us know what you would rate it. We have to know. We need to see if you're on Sean's side or not. You can join the conversation for free in our Discord server, and you can find the link to do so in our show notes. But if you haven't seen it yet, you can follow the link in our show notes to see where you can watch it right now. There's so much more for us to discuss when we get back from our break. And when we return, we'll dive deep into that spoiler zone territory and unpack a lot of the pitfalls of this movie. We'll see you in a bit.

SPEAKER_05 24:04

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SPEAKER_01 24:36

Welcome back, folks. You're now entering the spoiler zone for Planet Terror from 2007, which has earned one hack and two slashes. Now we have a lot to unpack here, but before we get into the specifics of our ratings, let's go through those kills.

SPEAKER_02 24:50

We have such a ridiculously high kill count in this one, including some kills, unfortunately, that we probably didn't want to see. We're talking a kid and we're talking a dog. It's terrible. Honestly, it's terrible. But aside from that travesty, we have a lot of kills and a lot of graphic scenes of gore in this movie. Sadly, there's some CGI moments that don't look great, but I think that's part of the gag in this movie. But tons of gore, and I gotta say there were some really good kills in this one. So I gotta ask, which kills took a bite out of you?

SPEAKER_01 25:29

Ooh, okay. Let me first say that there are three that jump out immediately to me. Two of which I'll save. Hopefully you get to them before I do. But the first one that I'm gonna go with is one that I wouldn't say it shocked me, but I would say that it was jarring to see. And that is Abby turning the corner just to have his entire fucking head shot off. And all you see is like his little bottom row of teeth.

SPEAKER_02 25:56

That was a brutal kill for sure.

SPEAKER_01 25:58

And I think it's because he seems so calm, cool, and collected up until that point. And you think, okay, well, he's been navigating these waters, he's been in running in this crowd, he understands what's happening here. But for him to immediately turn around and go brrh, I know. Fucking terrible. But was his so some of the best prosthetics, some of the best practical effects we also see.

SPEAKER_02 26:21

You could see the eye aftermath there after he gets his head blown into pieces, and the eye is still there looking like fucking Glenn from The Walking Dead. That was some good shit.

SPEAKER_05 26:31

It was a big one. It was kind of like a war movie kill where they turn the corner and get hit by a sniper, and it's you know, all of a sudden, and it's somebody you cared about in the whole movie, and the other characters cry. So it was sudden. We'll say that. Mine, I had to pick just an explosive kill. It's Deputy Tolo.

SPEAKER_02 26:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 26:47

Oh my gosh. That kill, Tom Savini, getting a kill that he would have designed for any of his other zombie movies he was a part of. It was brilliant and beautiful in the goriest of ways.

SPEAKER_02 26:59

Just getting ripped, torn to shreds by zombies, eaten alive.

SPEAKER_05 27:03

And you can still see his face moving and his hand moving while it's happening. Yeah. Brilliantly done.

SPEAKER_02 27:09

It's fucking over-the-top gore. That was a great kill. Man, the 23 or so zombies that were just either torn to shreds or decapitated by this fucking helicopter and the helicopter blades is so unreasonably absurd. It would never fucking happen, but what a great fucking time that was.

SPEAKER_01 27:30

Yeah, there was also the comedy of them running in and then them running away because they realize what's about to happen. Yeah. Top notch.

SPEAKER_02 27:38

Another good one was you don't really get to see it, I don't think, happen, but you get to see the aftermath of that. It was that doctor that was like torn apart, disemboweled by zombies with the bone saw, that whole part, but you're seeing the aftermath of one of those doctors, it looked fucking brutal.

SPEAKER_01 27:56

Oh my gosh, yeah. That one was absolutely terrible. That kind of saw in particular is so rough to just imagine having to fuck around with. And I guess I just never considered how an amputation is actually done in a medical setting. I feel like I should have known this, and you think you watch enough Grey's Anatomy to figure that shit out. But the idea of this man just whipping around that kind of saw to say, Hey, you want to come in here and watch this with your friend? Terrible. Dr. Crane, R.I.P. You're just there to do your job.

SPEAKER_02 28:29

Oh man. It's so true. Man, Deputy Carlos also got a brutal kill, similar to Tolo, I guess, but getting his arm ripped off and then eaten alive by zombies, that was a brutal kill. There was some really good zombie action in this one.

SPEAKER_01 28:45

There really was. I also want to give a shout out to Fergie herself playing the role of Tammy.

SPEAKER_03 28:50

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 28:51

Because getting run down, or you think she's gonna get run down, but to get snatched and then eaten, and then for it to just be El Ray and Cherry driving past, watching her get taken off the road, and she's relegated down to just probably a deer carcass. Horrific.

SPEAKER_02 29:10

It's crazy.

SPEAKER_05 29:11

It's also one of those times where you're like, I can't believe this person's in this film because I forgot this that Vergie was in this film, and to see her Virgilitious. I mean, she's taken out so effectively at the start of the film, and she was being shown as kind of a cool character. You were hoping to get a little bit more out of that character.

SPEAKER_01 29:29

Yeah, I really want to see her run away with Dakota.

SPEAKER_05 29:33

We want that success for both of them. The happiness.

SPEAKER_01 29:35

Their secret lady love and love affair.

SPEAKER_02 29:38

Can I just say though, the scene where I guess you could say Dr. Block got infected?

SPEAKER_01 29:45

Oh my god, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_02 29:48

I mean, that's gotta be the most disgusting way to turn into some kind of infected zombie, I think I've seen.

SPEAKER_01 29:56

It gets down to the whole fucking point that I make in these goddamn zombie movies. These people are it's all fun and games, just don't get bit. Bitch, what about the other fluids? What about the fluids? What about the blood? What about the pus? What about the ooze? It's fucking terrible. So gross. That abscess rupturing and squirting all over him, and then to just have it smeared on his face later on in the hallway? Absolutely stomach churning. That was some dead alive shit, is what that was.

SPEAKER_02 30:31

Some gross shit for sure.

SPEAKER_01 30:33

How dare you, Robert? I mean, it was great, but fuck. I never see this is the kind of thing that makes me not want to watch this movie again, but also as the exact kind of campy, absurd, over-the-top bullshit that makes it charming to me.

SPEAKER_02 30:47

Yeah. But I can get something like this in in a really good B movie zombie flick sometimes. But I get it. There are some moments, and especially with the kills in this movie, that really kind of make you feel like you want to come back for more.

SPEAKER_05 31:01

I can see that. I think the gore and the effects are absolutely to the highest level of disgusting that they could be and ridiculous. Just some of the ways that the characters go out, utterly ridiculous. And that's what really makes this film, I think, what it is, and really effective. I think what I liked really a lot. We have a lot of characters here, and our characters are in the skeeziest-looking universe on Earth, and the wardrobe game here is strong. I don't know what I was feeling about it, but I was just like, I feel like they kind of nailed it here. They made people who were really slime balls really look like slime balls. And they made, of course, our heroes look like heroes, to the point of giving them a machine gun leg. But I think that the rest of it, it's just like it kind of works for whatever reason in this film.

SPEAKER_02 31:48

Yeah, I think the characters are really great for sure. The characters were a good and fun element to the film. The acting, I know I said it earlier. The acting for me and the way the characters are portrayed in certain aspects of the film, it just didn't hit for me and maybe felt too on the nose, and they were trying too hard. But I do love the amount of gore in this movie. I think that's where they really got it, man. I think that's what we wanted to see. There's a shit ton of it, and there was some really fun times of just action-packed carnage that was unfolding. And I think the overall look of that gore with the gritty graininess kind of aesthetic of the film was one of the best things that really brought me to that like really B movie 70s type vibe. And I thought that was probably my favorite part of the movie.

SPEAKER_01 32:42

100%. The grain that helps really bring in that grindhouse aesthetic on top of just the style and nature of the overall film is such a win. But I interestingly enough really love the use of color in this film. Even when we start at the Go Go Club, a lot of this film is very warm, which when you look at things that take place in the dark, usually you have like cooler tones and undertones in films. But in this one, everything feels very warm. But there's one shot in particular where you see the rich saturation of color, and really just what I think was a really well-composed shot, and that is the shot of the fumes against the moonlit night sky. Those fumes are just rising up, and now you realize okay, everybody's about to get got. And it reminded me of for some reason again, Return of the Living Dead.

SPEAKER_05 33:36

Oh, I got that vibe as well. I love how bright green that smoke was. It's almost comic bookish in a way.

SPEAKER_01 33:43

Mm-hmm. I did not love how something that I did not love though, you know, we talked about the prosthetics, we talk about the practical effects. I could have done without the literal jar of balls.

SPEAKER_04 33:54

Yeah, true.

SPEAKER_01 33:56

Could have done without it. That was the third kill that I was gonna bring back up earlier. Romy, who dies. Well, first he's like he has his dick cut off and then gets shot. Because it's not enough to just kill the guy. You have to yeah, you had to castrate him or neuter him and then do it.

SPEAKER_02 34:12

It's testicular manslaughter.

SPEAKER_01 34:14

Yeah, premeditated too. It's fucked up. So we think about how great this film looked with its score and its cinematography. That was one note where I'm like, all right, is this really what testicles look like? It's disgusting.

SPEAKER_05 34:28

I think based on the limited exposure I had via FIFA Fear Factor back in the day, it seems like they're fairly realistic looking testicles and completely unnecessary. As somebody who owns a set, don't show it. You know, you can make the threat, don't show it, but just treat it as a threat. I don't need to see it happen, first of all, and then I don't need to see a jar, a jar of them just pickled, you know, not acceptable.

SPEAKER_01 34:52

Okay. Well, I feel like I want to clarify now, just in defense of this, because fuck that. Castrate them, get rid of them. I'm not mad at showing the castration on it or showing the end product. No, think about the movie teeth. You see chomped dude bits everywhere. Because equal opportunist here, right? If you're gonna fucking show women getting desecrated and violated, make it fucking even. Alright? Don't let let's not tiptoe around this shit. But I just think philosophically that a grow uh jar of balls is gross.

SPEAKER_02 35:26

It was gross. Yeah. That whole scene, though, was pretty good. The one-liners, the gore, the over-the-top action in that scene, as gross as the jar of testicles were. I also really enjoyed the opening little montage or trailer, fake trailer type thing with Machete, you know? A fucking Cheech Marin from Cheech and Chong is in there, and they just have like the lines that you get in that trailer are like they just fucked with the wrong Mexican action, suspense, emotion.

SPEAKER_05 35:59

It's crazy to me that a line from Once Upon a Time in Mexico has stuck with me all these years since seeing it, which was Are you a Mexican or Mexicant?

SPEAKER_02 36:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 36:08

And Machete became its own franchise, which is also really kind of insane. And I think when you watch the whole grindhouse thing as a whole shtick, there's even more trailers, which is fun too, because some of honestly, the trailers were probably the best part of the double feature.

SPEAKER_02 36:26

Definitely.

SPEAKER_05 36:26

Unfortunately, the movies that some of them spawned, you know, I mean, one of them was Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_01 36:30

Yeah. So we did that episode last year, and listen, that fucking trailer was gross. That was gross, but I was pleased to see that some of its more iconic moments did make it into Thanksgiving film, and the movie was good enough for me to own now a t-shirt and a pin. So who can be mad at that, really? But speaking of that theme and thinking about this movie being a double feature, it's grind house, etc., etc. My favorite scene is the absence of a scene. And it's what makes the composition of this whole thing. So you have Cherry and L Ray hooking up, whatever, things are getting hot. All of a sudden, missing reel. All of a sudden things got too hot, and the house is on fire, the restaurant is on fire, and now all of a sudden everybody's just together. It's kind of like this sensation of we don't know how we're gonna get everybody together, so let's just fucking say, and they're here now. Let's go, let's figure it out from here. It's like let's skip past all the boring parts and then get to the exciting shit, except that there was still a lot of boring stuff that preceded this event. But the pure comedy there of just watching everybody reassemble was fucking hilarious to the point where I did laugh out loud watching it.

SPEAKER_05 37:43

When that cut happened, I was like, I can't tell if they're just trying to get past the awkwardness that is any sex scene in any movie, or story-wise, like you said, they just weren't sure. Like, where are we gonna go from here? Maybe they needed to cut something for time. I don't know, but it's like deliberately jarring. And I love that. I love when you do things like this on purpose because it's you know, it's a movie full of things where you can tell they're really trying, and in some cases, too hard. But if you're really gonna just swing for the fences, is that the term? You know, just do it, just go for it. And I think that's one of those cases here where it's like, this is going to be on purpose, and I hope you can understand that.

SPEAKER_01 38:19

You see, here's the thing though the swing for the fences of it all, they also did that with a comedy. We get Chekhov's pocket bikes.

SPEAKER_02 38:27

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 38:29

That Dakota reveals is in the trunk, and then El Ray chooses to ride the pocket bike of all things.

SPEAKER_02 38:35

The dumbest shit ever.

SPEAKER_01 38:37

It went from me laughing out loud to me saying, What the fuck? Biggest eye roll of the film.

SPEAKER_02 38:43

Dude, and popping a wheelie also going down the street, popping a fucking wheelie. That I definitely agree with you. That was a moment where it took you out of the fun and just like, what in the holy shit? This is ridiculous. But I will tell you one scene that I thought was hilarious, and there was a scene with JT, and they stumble upon JT at the bone shack, and it turns out JT's like laying there, and they think that he's dead, so they're going up to him, and it turns out he's actually alive. He just has some sausages and some barbecue sauce that was like spilled over him, and then after all of that bullshit, he like tastes the barbecue sauce and finds his award-winning recipe, just adding a little blood to the mix.

SPEAKER_01 39:30

Okay. Yes, but the first time I saw this movie, and then now the second time, I really thought that JT was gonna turn because I thought that when he killed those fuckers, some of their ooze and blood and bits got into the sauce.

SPEAKER_05 39:47

Oh, yeah, that's true. Nope, just real human blood.

SPEAKER_01 39:51

Okay, it's giving Texas Chainsaw.

SPEAKER_05 39:54

It is winning that chili cook-off.

SPEAKER_02 39:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 39:57

Well, I'll tell you, one of my favorite scenes really just has to do with the characters involved, and that is when the Dr. Blocks have met up once again, but Daddy Block shows up. Well, I guess Daddy in Law Block, because his his name is Block. But when he shows up and takes out Josh Brolin's Doctor Block, that is so satisfying. Because, you know, on one level, you really want her to do it. We're not gonna get that. I love the fact that it's this guy who thinks he's such a man getting taken out by the guy who really is a man.

SPEAKER_02 40:28

Yeah, that's a great scene. You know what scene I thought was maybe a really good homage to Evil Dead was the Ramona tomato soup scene when he's like feeding his wife the tomato soup, and it like cuts to him and then it cuts back to her, and they just pulled that Evil Dead moment of her can now just turned into this zombie thing and attacking him, and it was like super campy, but also kind of creepy looking.

SPEAKER_01 40:54

There is a lot of Evil Dead Army of Darkness play in this whole movie.

SPEAKER_02 40:59

There is.

SPEAKER_01 41:00

And there's talk about obviously in Army of Darkness, he goes from modern day into like this back in time deserted place, and this movie kind of does the inverse of that.

SPEAKER_02 41:11

That's true.

SPEAKER_05 41:12

I thought you were gonna say something about you know multiple universes or something, and then Ash goes back in time and causes this universe to exist. That would be hilarious. You know, I I feel like in the beginning here, it's really kind of hard to figure out like who we're rooting for and who's gonna be our main characters. And you know, you don't get a clear Ash. You do get characters they want you to root for and they want you to care about. I just don't think it it played out like that. I think there's one that you stick to and everyone else just falls to the wayside.

SPEAKER_01 41:42

Well, I had two that I was sticking to, thank you very much. I was sticking to Cherry and I was sticking to Dakota because I didn't like the way that they're trying to shape Dakota up to be. Yes, she's having an affair, she's about to leave her husband, that's where the movie opens. They tried to show some kind of bond between him and his son, and basically turn them against her when he asks him if he believes her. But then you get to the point where she admits that she was afraid of what he would do if she stayed, and you see that he's not just this monster of a character because he's heartbroken and all this shit. He's been a monster the whole time. The movie just didn't show you that.

SPEAKER_05 42:25

That is true. It's one of those times where, again, it's interesting to see this actor in this film. He plays a great villain, as we know from the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

SPEAKER_02 42:34

Yeah. And I actually don't usually have a problem with Josh Brolin. I don't really think I have a problem with his character as a whole in this one, but I do think one of the things that just kind of threw me off in this movie was if you first go into this movie, you haven't watched it since 2007, like me, and it's been a long ass time. This is all like semi-new character development again. I was expecting this dude to be like a detective before I thought he was gonna be a fucking doctor.

SPEAKER_01 43:03

He's just suspicious.

SPEAKER_02 43:05

Yeah, it did not feel like this dude was giving doctor energy at all. And there was that moment early on where he's talking to his son at the breakfast table, and man, this is like small child, and we're just like talking about no dead bodies for dad at tonight. Come on, that's some wild shit.

SPEAKER_05 43:23

Yeah. But it's funny, I mean, I feel like they really wanted us to care about Ray. I didn't connect with Ray whatsoever.

SPEAKER_02 43:29

Yeah, definitely not.

SPEAKER_01 43:31

Yeah, I never miss Ray. Get the fuck out of here.

SPEAKER_05 43:35

Man. And maybe that was on purpose. You know, maybe it's playing into the whole tropes in and having that sort of a character be in a lead role, and in this case, not to survive. But you know, I feel like there's other ways of putting things on their head than giving us exactly what the other movies did.

SPEAKER_01 43:51

Yeah, I did find it funny that he was a shorter gentleman who doesn't really look super tough, that he was supposed to be the most badass of them all. That I find appealing. Good job, Short Kings. However, didn't give a single fuck about him. Could have done without him the whole fucking time.

SPEAKER_02 44:07

Yeah, I mean, and I think this movie is intentionally trying to do all of this stuff that we're talking about, and that's where I feel like it is like too on the nose sometimes. And El Rey's character definitely just not a character everyone really wants to like at all. Can we talk about Ray's tattoos for a minute, also? Because one, they are horrendous, and two, what the fuck? He had a lion with a cobra for a fucking tail on his chest.

SPEAKER_01 44:39

I bet he's a Leo.

SPEAKER_05 44:40

Was it like we have to go hard in the Machismo direction? What would guys think? What would they see and think, hell yeah? That's really again theme of this movie, but designing some of these characters, that's like what they ask themselves.

SPEAKER_02 44:52

Oh my god, just pick literally anything else. Give him a bald eagle across his chest or something. You know what I mean? Give him something cooler than a lion with a cobra tail.

SPEAKER_05 45:04

It's giving like bear with shark arms.

SPEAKER_02 45:06

Yeah, just something absurd. Man, I just could not let that one go.

SPEAKER_05 45:11

As as a trope, I guess it's kind of funny when you think about it. They just should have leaned further into the comedy aspect of how over the top his character truly is as a concept. And I think they didn't. It's almost like Robert Rodriguez thought this was a good idea and thought this character was really cool. But it's like you should have made this, this should be like one of those so over the top you know it's a joke kind of situations here. Because, like you mentioned, Cherry and Dr. uh Dakota Block, the two of them, that's who you should care about in this movie.

SPEAKER_02 45:42

Yeah, those are the two that you care about for sure. There was a cool reference with Dr. Block when Dr. Block is calling for his wife Dakota for the needles, and you can see her notepad on the table. There was like a cool thing that I saw. Like it had a couple things on the to-do list, and then under it is said Kill Bill. Ooh. Yeah, that was pretty funny.

SPEAKER_01 46:03

Speaking of Kill Bill, we need to get into, and I I don't want to cut the conversation on characters too early, but my worst part of this movie is a character. And it's Quentin Tarantino. I'm not a fan. I mean, I like Kill Bill, don't get me wrong, but I'm not a fan generally.

SPEAKER_03 46:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:20

And what really frustrates me is knowing now what we did not know then, which was Robert Rodriguez knew what Rose McGowan had experienced prior to making this film. And yet still decided and said, okay, well she had time to opt out if she wanted to. Still decided to not only push for her to be in this film, which was great, and there are some positive reasons for it, but to also subject her to a scene in which a man is about to sexually assault her. Sure, the come up and s it happens. Sure, he's unsuccessful. It is disgusting every step of the way. Again, great practical effects, but also some shit that I never needed to see. I'm way more dick in this movie than I ever needed to see, quite frankly. It may have been all fucked up and diseased and all that shit, but unnecessary. But to still create that kind of environment, absolutely unnecessary.

SPEAKER_05 47:19

This is one of those times where you feel just greasy and dirty while watching the lead up to it. Because as they're showing us Quentin's character to begin with, you know, I do not like this human being, and I don't want to see where this goes. And you get to a certain point where you think that's it. We're gonna leave it and we're gonna move on. And then they have to take it all the way. I think the only thing that can really follow that up in terms of worst parts, I gotta say it's Rusty. Rusty the dog did not deserve to go out like that, or to even go out in any way. Dogs, good boys, good girls, they should always survive.

SPEAKER_01 47:54

1000%. Rusty, best character in the whole movie. Made one bad decision for sure. But aside from that, this dog was too damn well trained to be jumping off a fucking moving vehicle like that. No fucking way would he actually do that.

SPEAKER_02 48:08

It is terrible, it's tragic. But you know what? I will tell you what my favorite part or the best part that I think this movie is, is that aside from the zombies, because I can't keep talking about like the gore and the zombies and all that stuff, but if I had to pick the best part of this movie, I would say probably just that I get to see some on-screen time with Tom Savini for sure, because he is a resident zombie-killing badass. The dude is well versed in zombie films. He is in Dawn of the Dead 1978 and 2004. He's in Land of the Dead, Diary of the Dead. This guy's a legend.

SPEAKER_01 48:50

He's so great, and I actually really loved the first major scene that we get with him where he's looking for his wedding ring. He goes to put it on. It's giving Lord of the Rings for a minute there. It is, but then all of a sudden, his colleague gets fucking eaten up right in front of him.

SPEAKER_02 49:07

Zombie just out of nowhere.

SPEAKER_01 49:09

He plays Dopey Deputy so fucking well. He's so good at it.

SPEAKER_02 49:14

Yeah. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 49:15

It was fantastic. And now I'm just thinking about how great his death was in Maniac. Wow. Tom Savini, really good at dying on screen.

SPEAKER_05 49:22

So good. I love that we got so much screen time with him here, though, because as you see him, you get excited, you're like, oh, they're gonna take him out real quick. Because you know he has to get bitten by a zombie. Right. So you're expecting it every time you see him. And for him to make it that long felt really satisfying.

SPEAKER_01 49:38

Can we also give a shout-out though to uh a lesser-known person, Skip? Skip who ran the go-go dancing club, Skip who showed up miraculously after the missing reel. Not even an actor, just Robert Rodriguez's real estate agent who just acts that way.

SPEAKER_05 49:56

Wow, that is insane. Because I 100% was waiting for you to tell me that he was in some other major role in some other film and uh you didn't realize who he was. For him to be his real estate agent is impressive. Yeah. He played a good douche.

SPEAKER_02 50:10

That's so weird, yeah, because he just was that kind of dude, I guess. That was just the character. It was just the perfect fit. I think that's kind of cool though, when you can actually find something that you're looking for in a movie and you find it in someone and they're not an actor by trade, right? But they just have this ability and they're able to just be themselves. Good for that, dude. Also, just stepping into the movie and just doing it, because I probably would have shut the fuck down and be like, I am a robot.

SPEAKER_01 50:38

That also happened in the 2019 Black Christmas, where they were filming, and then there was a woman who I believe worked at like a restaurant or a bar, and the producers and the director really enjoyed her, and she ended up being one of the fraternity girls.

SPEAKER_05 50:53

Oh, dang. That's awesome. Getting your break when you are not even expecting one. But you know, this kind of film here, I feel like you need to watch this on a projector. I really do. And I think perhaps Grindhouse as a concept, the two films together would be better experienced like that. I mean, it's been years since the last time I watched this. I just I don't know that I would go out of my way to watch it again unless I was in the right sort of environment. If I had a drive-in setup from home, like in my backyard where I had a projector and I had a replacement for popcorn, I think it would be a lot of fun to watch it that way.

SPEAKER_02 51:29

Yeah, I mean, I think I could see myself potentially doing the double feature of it all. That would be the only way I think I would revisit this. I I don't really see myself watching this one anytime soon. If I'm looking for a grindhouse type horror movie feel, this is probably not the movie that I'm gonna reach for, but you never know.

SPEAKER_01 51:52

This movie, it's rewatchable. That doesn't mean I want to do it. It's too gross to be rewatchable for me personally. As incredible as Rose McGowan is, I think I'll just watch any of her other films to be able to appreciate her because I'm thinking about the abscess rupturing again, and it's just the projectile fluids in this movie are excessive. So no thank you. But for now, there you have it, folks. Planet Terror from 2007 has earned one hack and two slashes. Now we've certainly had a robust discussion here, but the conversation about how fucking wild this movie is doesn't end here by any means.

SPEAKER_02 52:29

Yeah, if you want to find out how you can go further than this episode, consider supporting the show by subscribing through Apple Podcasts or visiting patreon.com/slash hackerslash where you can enjoy even more of the show, including bonus content with early access, extended episodes with our B sides, which are free sides for the spooky season, movie nominations, and live shows.

SPEAKER_05 52:51

And if you think we got it right that Rusty was the best character in this film, leave us a five-star review wherever you get your podcasts. This helps us to continue to deliver great content for all you horror fiends out there.

SPEAKER_02 53:06

Fucking Wednesday nights. There's some pretty fun ones or some pretty ridiculous ones, including this one that we got tonight.

SPEAKER_01 53:50

It's your boy Ash.

SPEAKER_02 53:51

Ash has got to be like number one, right? Yes, agreed. It's up there. The chainsaw of it all is just so great. I've never even even the tech even Leatherface himself in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I feel like is trying to live up to what Ash was able to do with a chainsaw. You know what I mean? Except for maybe that bus scene in the in the like 2022 version that came out or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 54:19

Yeah. I do recall watching some bullshit one day with the piranha franchise, and in Piranha 3D, I'm pretty sure there's a guy with a shotgun leg who's in a wheelchair.

SPEAKER_05 54:29

That's amazing. We can take it back to I mean, if we're thinking outside the genre, you can take it back to like Hook.

SPEAKER_02 54:36

I know, yeah. Captain Hook.

SPEAKER_05 54:38

Starship Troopers, I feel like one of them. It's just a prosthetic, but we could do better. It kind of counts. Kingsman, the Secret Service, though. We had sword legs.

SPEAKER_02 54:48

Oh my god, that's so true. What the hell? The sword legs. That's amazing.

SPEAKER_05 54:53

Does Edward Scissor hands count?

SPEAKER_02 54:55

Edward Scissor hands 100% count. I mean, his hands are literal. I mean, yeah, his hand we'll count it. His hands are literal knives. Right. You know, and he's got a like kudos to trying to adapt into society with hands for knives, man. Like, turn that into a plus and start doing landscaping and haircuts. Come on.

SPEAKER_01 55:14

Sean really just said, wow, you're so brave. That's right.

SPEAKER_02 55:17

I mean, if you could do that, like some people, they might just give up.

SPEAKER_05 55:21

I have to agree though that a chainsaw hand does seem pretty badass. I don't know that I would go with that as my first pick. This one makes a lot of sense being in a zombie apocalypse, like having a machine gun leg works, but it would be pretty cool to have one as your arm, I guess. I think a lot of futuristic sci-fi movies kind of go that route anyway, feeling like you're uh the Nintendo character.

SPEAKER_01 55:42

I love how we've all just pretended and agreed unanimously that the physics of working a machine gun when it's attached to your leg doesn't fucking matter. That you could in fact just lift and spray.

SPEAKER_05 55:55

Yep, that's that's the point is that it doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_01 55:57

Yeah. But even still, and again, like who the who the fuck am I to ruin the fun, right? I would get, you know, a hand for a chainsaw. Okay, rev that fucker up, and then it's just attached to your body. Machine gun, though, in my headcanon, are all the nerves then just like fucking wrapping around the trigger.

SPEAKER_02 56:16

The mechanics of it all, like how is it gonna operate?

SPEAKER_01 56:19

I'm thinking about like some fucked up nanotech technology.

SPEAKER_02 56:23

Well, yeah, I mean you would that's exactly what it would have to be, right? So you'd have to be able to flex it like you would a muscle to be able to trigger it.

SPEAKER_05 56:31

Nah, we've we have the technology right now to intercept the like input from your brain to you to your limbs and vice versa. We have that right now, we're using it right now. There's a bunch of people playing around with like, can we read the signal that you use to tell your finger to scratch your nose and then have you know a prosthetic scratch your nose for you? The trick's gonna be when we take things and go back the other way, so it hurts when you stub your mechanical toe. But no, we have that technology, so you're gonna have this machine gun leg or arm, and literally somewhere there's just a chip interpreting your brain signals telling that thing to fire.

SPEAKER_02 57:08

Oh, that's so wild. How does it connect to your to your brain though?

SPEAKER_05 57:12

Like From what I've read, the best ways right now is they put a thing into your brain.

SPEAKER_02 57:16

Oh, see, I am not about anybody sticking anything into my brain, especially not the early stages of this development or whatever the hell they're doing here.

SPEAKER_05 57:26

Well, uh Elon is on top of probably one of the most well-known projects right now, so I'm definitely out. I'm out twice.

SPEAKER_02 57:34

Of course he is, because why not, you know? It's gonna just be a bunch of floating Teslas and cyborgs walking around. But okay, so thinking of maybe this type of we're going down this path, right? We're talking about, you know, this technology that we're that we have right now and where that's gonna take us. Let's say you have the opportunity, right? Like you have maybe you just want to replace a limb or you lost a limb. What do you what would you like? What kind of ridiculous shit would you put in there? You know what I mean? In r in replacement of the limb that you had? Like, what would be some fun options that we haven't seen?

SPEAKER_01 58:11

Here's the thing. I want some modular compatibility, and I realize that that's the whole point of a limb, but I almost want what we all use for like quick plate release, quick release plates for like Menfroto tripods. So I want a quick release plate and I want to have attachments for all of my power tools. I want to slap on my hacksaw, I want to slap on my jigsaw, I want to slap on my circular saw, I want to slap on a tape measure, anything I want, I want to be able to fucking attach it with a quick release plate.

SPEAKER_02 58:44

Well, this is yes, is like definitely just gonna take you down like a handyman type 100% scenario. It literally gonna open up your own construction business.

SPEAKER_01 58:55

Well, genuinely. I was just talking about that a few months ago when I was doing the floor, and my brother and I were spitballing the idea of a slosher called the handyman.

SPEAKER_02 59:04

Ah, nice.

SPEAKER_01 59:05

And he just kills you in really fucked up ways with everyday household handyman tools.

SPEAKER_02 59:10

This is fucking awesome, first of all.

SPEAKER_00 59:14

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_02 59:14

Has no one come up with this handyman bullshit yet?

SPEAKER_00 59:19

The handyman.

SPEAKER_02 59:20

Oh, this sounds like B-movie gold.

SPEAKER_01 59:23

I wrote impermanent marker on the floors underneath my kitchen now at this point on the support beams that I replace. I said you'll never find the bodies. The handyman.

SPEAKER_02 59:32

Wow. Oh, that's it, too. Like, he just shoves he, she, whatever shoves those bodies into the homes that he's fixing, and you don't know, but you got this dead body living in your walls or rotting in your walls, rather. But like, ooh, that could be, you know, you're on to something.

SPEAKER_01 59:50

Then frames the homeowners.

SPEAKER_02 59:52

Ooh.

SPEAKER_01 59:52

Could you imagine? They try to go like a John Wayne Gacy, all these bodies are hidden on the floors, except it was actually the handyman and not the homeowner.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:00

Just your friendly neighborhood handyman.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:02

Are we I don't know. Are we making a short film?

SPEAKER_02 1:00:06

I think we should.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:07

We gotta pull an Eli Roth with Thanksgiving and just fucking make a fake trailer for this shit and make it so good that people demand it.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:14

Al Borland was once a simple handyman. Oh my gosh. Actually, if you could get just yeah, get Richard Carn cast as the handyman, I think that would be perfect.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:24

I don't know. I think Sean's got a good like handyman vibe. And then I think the reveal is like a B-movie twist where it ends up being a short lesbian as the actual killer. But in killer mode, masked up, seems like a tall white guy.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:36

Oh my gosh. We I feel like we need to yeah, we need to like figure out some kind of trailer or some some kind of the tools were actually in the kayak the entire time.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:48

I got the storyboard stickies right here.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:50

Yes. We need to put this shit together, start spitballing this further. Man, that I'm telling you.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:57

We'll get some drinks and then we'll just you know knock it all out.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:00

Oh, it's gonna happen for sure. We're gonna come out of there with uh a fucking feature film length of ideas, man. I'm telling you.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:08

It absolutely is.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:09

This has got all the makings of a low budget franchise that's just gonna be endless, you know? The handyman.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:17

The handyman can. Can you survive her tool belt?

SPEAKER_02 1:01:22

Oh my god. Like, so many tools, so many possibilities. Oh, absolutely fantastic. Definitely gotta make that happen. But yeah, I don't know. You know, just speaking of going back to like the limbs and what I would use, I have no idea. Like, I don't know if it would be uh it's a good idea to have this Swiss Army knife of tools at your at your disposal, but what else would I want? Maybe like a flamethrower. That'd be sick. Something that wouldn't be too inconvenient, though.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:49

Think about trying to take a P. You know, you've got a flamethrower hand. Oops.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:53

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Man, that would be bad. But a flamethrower would be sick. Absolutely. Or like a little missile shooter.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:02

I don't know what I would pick. You know, it's it's tough to say like it an even larger hand. Is that would that be an option? It's just a l a much larger hand that I could just rocket at somebody's face.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:12

Well, you could. There's like, well, maybe not larger, but there's movies where people just have artificial hands or artificial legs. There's like a karate movie or something like that where the dude has artificial legs, like you know, and we've got Mortal Kombat. We've got what's his name with the robot arms, you know?

SPEAKER_05 1:02:30

Oh, Jax, yeah. I mean, I yeah, that counts then.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:33

It counts. You got extra strength from that shit.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:35

If you were out in the fields, a scythe could be really useful, especially if you were attacked, you know, you'd have range.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:41

Definitely long range on the scythe for sure.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:44

Like, put me in into the children of the corn movies, give me that scythe arm. We're good.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:49

Done. It's a done deal, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:51

Now I'm just thinking about the arborist from that blood vest movie, and thinking about what kind of hedge tools you know you got that you got there.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:59

Oh god. Dang. I mean, you could literally just be a landscaper. You can get all the shit you need. You could have a weed whacker for a leg, you can have a hedge trimmer for one arm.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:10

What if what if you go anti-ash and get an actual boom stick and it's the a boom microphone?

SPEAKER_02 1:03:17

Wow, the ultimate boom mic operator.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:20

Yeah, absolutely. He's just there with his field mixer, his arm is the boom mic, and then he's just fucking listening in on any conversation.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:29

You can use it for good or bad. Yeah, you could just walk up to people. I heard everything you said.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:33

Yep, yep.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:34

Because this is my boom stick.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:37

Oh, that's wild. Well, if you have a a boomstick for an arm, you definitely can try to find a way to build like a fucking camera into your hand, too. You know? That would be wild.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:49

Oh, just give me a wireless charger, actually. And you just left right on there.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:52

Yeah, why? We could just hold one. It's not that big, not that bad. We haven't gotten that lazy yet.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:58

Well, you know, when you start putting utility attachments, absolutely.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:02

That's what can your arm do? It can charge at seven and a half watts.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:08

Oh, yeah, that was bad.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:10

I like how we are 10 minutes into this B side and we have not gone after dark. That's pretty impressive.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:18

Well, yeah, that's true, because then things get a little bit messy. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 1:04:23

I picked the wrong night to wear this shirt.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:26

Yeah, because it's gonna go too dark. Start replacing limbs with things that go into that realm. Ugh, you never know where that's gonna end up.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:35

Flailing tentacles, that's where that's gonna end up.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:37

Yikes. Baddragon.com.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:39

Just thinking about like, you know, you know, when the fan is running and somebody like hits it with their hand or something and it just kind of like spins kind of off lopsided for a minute. Yeah, that's what I imagine somebody using their prosthetic for if they replace their hand with uh sex toys.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:54

Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:56

So that it just seems dangerous. That's really it.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:59

I wonder if anyone has actually tried to do anything crazy in replace of their placement of their limbs. There's gotta be somebody out there.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:08

Well, I mean, I think for a long time there's things you can do with prostheses that would work. Prosthetics, there we go. If you were to just literally slap somebody upside the head with it, that counts as it being a weapon in that moment. No different than kicking somebody though, or slapping them with your other hand. So, you know, I think some of that is already there. You can hide things in in a prosthetic. So that's useful. You could uh perhaps bring a knife inside of one of them or a gun, even in some case.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:34

You simply could not get through TSA.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:37

No, they'd be scanning that thing six different ways.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:40

None none of this shit is getting through TSA. Like you just cannot fly.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:45

Sorry, Bucky, check your arm at the door.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:47

Yeah, that's just not gonna work here. Definitely not.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:50

You do wonder, does Bucky Barnes go for the pat down? Does he go through the X-ray thing or imaging thing, whatever they use now? I wonder what happens in the Marvel Universe.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:00

This is a Marvel thing. I was like, who the fuck is Bucky Barnes?

SPEAKER_05 1:06:03

Wow. The winter soldier.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:05

The Winter Soldier. Okay, go off. You say Winter Soldier, and I'm going to think Game of Thrones.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:10

No. Oh, that's so insulting. But so let's reapply it to the horror genre. Let's talk about Ash for a minute. Ash has a metal a metal hand, and that's a pretty cool hand as well. Yeah. What does he do when it's time to go to the air to the airport? You know, he just takes his hand off?

SPEAKER_02 1:06:24

He could, though, I think, right? Yeah, he could. I don't think it's on there for good, so he can detach and he can check it. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 1:06:31

You know, with all the imagination of Star Wars, we still got our core trilogy with and our core prequel trilogy with hands being chopped off and just replaced with another hand.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:42

Yeah, why didn't they just put a lightsaber mounted under their arm?

SPEAKER_01 1:06:45

I was thinking about that, but you know, like this kind of the kyber crystal, how you can get like do you have to dig into the flesh to put the crystal in the chamber?

SPEAKER_05 1:06:53

Yeah, that might get a little warm as well.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:55

A little little too warm. A little too warm. There's some practical shit going on though. So I was just thinking, even in uh what's his name in the early days of The Walking Dead, Daryl's brother. Yeah. Merle Dixon. He he he uh had his hand chop or he chopped his hand off, rather, probably on his own, I think. But he uh he had that little like knife installment thing, right? That's perfect for a zombie apocalypse. All you're doing is face face punt or face punching zombies with like a a dagger that's for a hand, you know? Bah bah that's easy. That's good.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:31

Actually, too close range. Give me something with a little bit more telescopic reach, and then let's give the other weapon from Walking Dead the bat with the nails in it.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:40

Lucille.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:41

Mm-hmm. Sure, that thing. I never watched it, but I've seen a lot of pictures of it.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:45

Yeah. It it it was giving in Walking Dead, it was giving Pro Weapon X. There we go. Weapon X from uh also from Marvel when Wolverine had his like hand cut off. Maybe it was Weapon X, but he had his hand cut off at some point. So he had like a metal tube at the end of his arm, but then his his claws still came through.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:02

Oh, interesting.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:04

Yeah, there's I've seen I never really read those comics, but I I remember seeing them as a thing. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:08

I gotcha.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:09

So here's the problem now as I think about this further. Zombie apocalypse, like this movie.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:14

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:15

Too close range. Even a bat, too close range. It's a good, oh shit, I have an emergency tool, but it's not my default that I want. What about a crossbow?

SPEAKER_02 1:08:25

Yeah, yeah. Crossbow is legit I mean, is the legitimate weapon because Daryl has shown us that for years and years to come. That thing is silent, it's resourceful, you can reclaim if you need the extra ammunition. In most cases, you can go back and get those arrows back. It's a very practical it's but it is hard to cock or whatever they call it, like when you're trying to, you know, load the crossbow, yeah. I think load the crossbow.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:52

You would get a really strong primary arm. That's what would happen. Yeah. Because you'd every single time you have to load that thing.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:58

Yeah. But it's hard. Have you tried to do that? Like, it ain't easy, man. It's a fucking pain in the ass, dude. It makes you feel like the weakest person alive.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:06

I've never actually shot a crossbow.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:08

Oh man.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:09

Or held one or a bow and arrow.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:11

Both are hard, man. And hard to aim.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:14

But it does make me imagine you could probably get an Atlantle arm. Talk about range, you know, before we had other sophisticated weapons at Lattles where it was at.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:24

For sure. For sure. But I think, yeah, I think I would be robbing Robin Hooding it up, do you know? Just bow and arrow, I think, or or crossbow.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:32

Fuck it. Just give me a microphone on my arm so I can keep doing this fucking podcast.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:36

There it is.